Le Beau Monde a Pasts... (Beautiful people have pasts)

2012-01-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

The Speech ABout What It All Means To Me

I have cried so much watching this very Meta speech about One Life To Live... Goddamn I will miss this show

2012-01-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

This Just Makes Me Sad

The hard part is how much I dont feel like I can talk about this with other people because they dont get it. Growing up Agnes Nixon was a huge idol of mine--if not the idol--for the work she did in daytime... Not just creating All My Children, One Life to Live, and Loving but also having writen for various other soap operas. She is created with the first contract Black characters in daytime, the first to explore sexual abuse, addiction, Downs Syndrome and many other issues before most shows were aknowledging these issues existed.

I just wish she had passed on before seeing her entire live's work canceled and dismanteled. Just so sad...

2012-01-06T09:11:00.001-08:00

Psycho

I feel like I am going crazy... The current offshoot of my life plans has led to me barely being able to sleep. Not that I don't want to sleep--I crave it all the time--but it is NOT happening. And since I am trying to break my nap habit this has become unbearable. I am about to develop an addiction to sleeping pills cause papa needs his rest.

I do not know how people like Dominic do this all the time.

and the worst part is I am just tired enough to be miserable but not enough to do anything worth while. I cant concentrate on my new books or the final episodes of One Life To Live so its not like I am using my time effectively. I need to just have a "sleeping cure" like Neely O'Hara in 'Valley of the Dolls'.

This is how it feels.

2012-01-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

Out With The Old

I need to make more time and space in my life. I have been slowly deleting shows off the DVR record lists so I can use my time better, I try and combine my lunch with chores and I'm giving my closet the side eye and debating when and what to take out for donation.

I'm not sure what has brought on this sudden urge to purge things out of my life but it feels good and making me lightweight. Of course as I make more space I want to fill it but with less things and more events, more phone calls to friends, more space for my own words and ideas than others. I'm taking stock of who and what I want around me--while I cant have everything I want do to circumstance I can do everything to have a slot ready when it is time.

And no more naps... Every since I was giving a book poking fun at my passion for it I have been trying to break the habit. It's not working yet and I am dragging ass. some things never change.

2012-01-02T23:15:00.000-08:00

Off To A Great Start

I spent my last day of vacation getting things done.... Cleaning the mold out of my bathroom, scrubbed the kitchen floors, wrote thank you notes for my holiday gifts, put most of them away, started my second new book and even re-upped my workouts with the classic P90X which is already making me sore. It's great

Now lets see if I can carry this new monmentum for a few more days... Tomorrow it is tumblr and patches and work again!!! I cant wait to get back on course with everything.

2011-12-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

A Little Slice of Heaven

I made the joke last year that 2011 would be a little slice of of heaven--while it would be easy to harp on all the bad things, the sad things, the things I failed at or didnt work at--I have decided to list the positives of the past year.

-) I was able to spend more time with Edie then I have in years... Usually her job has her travelling so much of the time and to so many places in the world but this year I was really able to see her and all our friends together.
-) I was inspired by Chloe's dedication to her fitness goals... The girl keeps running and boxing and doing yoga and being healthy. She's reminded me to get my goals back in focus and the value of truly chasing after it.
-) I made the time for a real vacation... Spending the days I did in the midwest on the river did really help me destress and reassess the importance of relaxation. Its not something that i have been good at but I have learned its importance.
-)I learned to trust more in my career... So many people this year had tough moments in their jobs and I was really blessed to be able to stay at the same production company for over a year. But I was impressed by people who had some really crappy moments and were able to jump up and brush themselves off. Good luck at the 2nd new job Joy!
-) I did 75 days of P90X--which was very hard at points and I am restarting with the harder program in the new year!
-) I now know that I have to figure out what I want to care about and focus on those things, people and events. It will help reduce stress and strife and make my goals and choices easier and stronger.
-) And finally--I got engaged. It may not have planned in its details and the wedding still causes me the shakes but it's amazing and is only just begining to have ripple effects through out my life. Cannot wait to see what happens next

2011-12-29T18:15:00.000-08:00

So NOT A Bookworm

I promised myself that I would read 50 books in the new year. It helped that Johnno had worked at Boarders and the story went under--this allowed him to stock our library with lots of cheap books and an employee discount. So it was not for lack of reading material that I failed.

I only hit 40 books--just ten short of my goal. I have to blame Anne of Green Gables and Fitzgerald equally--too much of either books would set me in a slump that I couldnt get out of. But I did pretty damn well all things considered.

Maybe I'll make a reasonable goal this year--like 20. Why so much less than last year? Johnno gave me a copy of War and Peace--unabridged.

2011-12-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

This Is Going To Make 2012

One of my favorite books being made by one of my favorite directors with some of my favorite actors... Though I am NOT pleased that Jordan is being played by an unknown--does this mean she is not have a large part in the story?

But how dreamy is Leo as Gatsby.

2011-12-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

....

I'm trying not to get too excited but it looks like Johnno and I may have found the place that we want to have our wedding at. It's local and interesting and the money looks good and the vibe is very us. It's hard sometimes with this wedding stuff--hard to talk about it without feeling like I am boring people, hard to not get wigged out over money and planning, hard to accept that this could really happen.

But now it feels in motion with a real proposal from the venue, all the bridesmaids asked and they all said yes. No idea what I will make Kelly, Chloe, Valeska, Kirby and Ally wear--and I have to make sure Edie doesnt do something crazy to outshine them all. And while I know the event is almost two years away that doesnt make me breathe any easier.

I need to find a way to talk it out so that I am comfortable without making it all wedding all the time. I dont want to be that kind of guy even if it is okay to be.

2011-12-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Finally

So work has FINALLY let up between me catching up on my tape load and just getting things done as quickly as possible. It's nice to go into the holidays and feel confident about where I am with the show--not so nice to have the idea of an end date being tossed about. But I have decided not to worry about that until the new year.

We'll see if that sticks

And now it is just a countdown to the holidays... Between Johnno's sister Siobhan coming down to LA and a slew of misfit holiday events planned it should be great even if money will be tight with a week's break from the job. But I figure I can come up with some things to do on the cheap even if just playing video games and hanging around naked with the boy. (After his sister leaves of course)

All that being said--it still doesnt feel very Christmas yet. I know it doesnt for most people who stay in LA but I have developed a sense of tradition even in the balmy days. But with no Griffith Park Lights or last minute holiday parties or gift exchanges it hasnt felt that cheery.

But I suspect that is about to change once break starts.

2011-12-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

Guilty and Just In Time

As we start the Jewish holiday--I can't help but find myself touching on some guilt I have been feeling for the past few months. (IRONY) But I havent written about any of my writing projects because I havent been doing any. Between a killer work schedule, bouts of sickness, and various holiday plans I didnt do Nanowrimo which made me feel really disappointed.

I suck.

I havent been able to work out a balance when it comes to my time. I know I have touched on this before but I cant help but wonder if I shouldnt be more concerned that when push comes to shove I push the writing back most of all. It's not like I dont have stuff to work on--Johnno recently finished re-typing an old manuscript I had of an earlier novel I worked on and i recently began the process of re-plotting, name changes and cutting to turn it into a viable piece.

But I still feel like it is not enough.

I'm hoping that by using my break well I can regroup and restart my own work. I hope to find a way in the new year to create balance within myself. It's not because of the holiday that I will be doing this but rather because I will be less stressed by work which allows more time to schedule.

I just have to push through this and I can refocus. Guilt can be a good tool so here's hoping I use it properly.

2011-12-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

Well The Cranky Pants Still Fit

Woke up really cranky this morning. It didn't help that shower handle wouldn't turn off so I spent about 10 minutes naked struggling to turn off the water posy shower. I even got a hand cramp. YAY

Part of me suspects that this crankiness is because I have got back on board with the calorie counting. I woke up starving and headachey so maybe that is more to do with the situation then not.

I am spending the rest of the morning practicing the smile technique. The idea is if you keep smiling even when upset it will eventually put you in a good mood. Fingers crossed because if I get even crankier it might get cray cray in here.

2011-12-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

Time Goes By

I wish I knew how to make my day more effective. At the holiday party this year I really felt like i had little to talk about--I go towokr, I nap when I come home, I work out, eat dinner, watch some Tv and go to bed. That's about it. And it has left me feeling boring and uninspired.

Johnoo--to his credit--says I am not boring and thought I was too interesting when we met. There's a reason we're engaged.

It's part of the reason I haven't been blogging as much. I felt bad baout not doing NaNoWrit--because all of my writer friends pushed me on. I will admit I opened the door but I didnt realize how bad I would feel if I didnt do it. I missed my goal to read 50 books this year--though I did make it to 40. I haven't put the time in with my friends how I would like and havent worked on myself in some time.

And part of it is work and how stressful it has been. part of it has been me being lazy about doing things beyond the norm and part of it has been a lack of money now that the wedding is being planned for. Saving up has been hard.

But I need to work out something. A way to write, to make time for friends, to work on my body and eating issues, to continue to put my words here. I need a new project, a new goal and new means to get there. I can do this if I think about it.

I want something to bring to the table.

2011-12-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

And A Unitard On A Pear Shaped Boy

So this started back around Thanksgiving.... Edie had return from New York for a brief stop before heading up to Canada for work. I had heard that she lost a bunch of weight while living in the street--I was hoping she would notice the difference P90X had been making on me for the last two months. Nothing was said and I was a bit bummed but made it wasn't obvious.

A few weeks later Johnno, Kelly, Ava, Bailey and I had plans to go out to a club night that Johnno and I had been to before with some other friends of our. We all had a good time--too much of a good time--but I felt cute and had fun. It wasnt until the middle of the next week and hanging out with Ally that I heard that I had taken some pictures back at Kelly's in a unitard.

Oh My God.

I didnt remember taking them and all I could think was how fat I must have looked in the outfit. I topped off that night with a conversation about this new jacket I had bought on line last year--it didnt fit very well at the time but I figured that I would shed about ten pounds over the year and it wouuld fit. It didnt

I told Ally about how it was more bothersome that it was extremely tight through the shoulders. This led to a conversation about how it was because my lats werent toned and she showed me the proper form for the exercise. I could feel the difference in the muscle and this lead to a two prong discussion. One was that it seems that I might need to work with a trainer to see if I am getting proper form on my exercises--I was honest that sometimes I dont feel things work when I am lifting or contracting them. The other part was about how P90X didnt seem to be working, that my diet wasnt helping things and I need to reassess.

It was a bit upsetting.

And then came this weekend and the Robin/Ally holiday party. I went in knowing that I would be going off diet and the real quetion would be as to how much. I tried to avoid chips and cookies--did okay on chips but not cookies--however I also finally was able to see the unitard picture.

It was awful.

There is a part of me that knows this is my fault--I make deals on food, I dont work hard enough to keep certain things out of my mouth and I have to be consistant with my eating, tracking my eating, how I work out and what I am doing when I am working out. I'm not upset with anyone but myself--I just feel like I try so hard and feel little acomplishment. I wish I didnt care as much as I do or could work on accepting things.

I mean--I know I will never look like Ryan Reynolds shirtless or a model from a magazine. That's not me and not what I want. But I do want to believe that I can look good, have things fit better, maybe be okay with going shirtless. I just want something so simple and try so hard and feel like I am failing. There is a part of me that is being to hard on myself and I know this but if I dont work on it and push myself then I feel like nothing gets done.

At least now I have a picture for motivation

2011-12-07T00:06:00.000-08:00

I Love The Nightlife

So the boyance and I have being going out a lot in the past month. Its more than just the average social onslaught that happens after Halloween--we tend to end out to the gay bars on the regular. Its something I never did much unless single and hooking to hook up. I like it.

But what bums me out is that we go to these bars and events and I see all these groups of friends hanging out. Its always been hard for me to make friends--even harder to make gay friends. Once I am comfortable then I am good to go but until then I am a silent partner in the process. Johnno is much more firnedly and social but we have yet add any good gay friends to our soical mix.

I'm not sure why it bugs but it does.

Maybe its because I can see the value of having similar people in our lives. It gets depressing to go to bars and just talk amongst ourselves after awhile. It leads to more drinking then I would like sometimes and it just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is.

But it is something to work on.

2011-12-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

....

Instead of spending time putting down my words anywhere--much less here--I have been busy working on Tumblrs and Amazon and various other websites when not working. I should probably feel bad about this but I am trying to get my shite in order for the upcoming holiday and all the things that come with it. That being said--I will be posting more often because there is so much to post about.

even if some of it is vain and some of it is offensive.

2011-11-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

Return to Form

So I recently went back to a strawberry blond hair color--an accidentally result of going as Mitchell from "Modern Family" for Halloween. I forgot how much I like this color, how much it reminds me of being 19 in Boston, 23 in San Francisco, very old school. It probably helped that within weeks of doing it I was flirted with several different times in different places.

I like being a ginger.

I'm hoping that this change will push me to feel more confident. I do worry that it does mess up my coloring in terms of my clothing but there are worse problems to have in the world. That and gaining any upcoming holiday weight.

2011-11-08T23:58:00.000-08:00

Be

I have to stop. I have to work on having trust, on having faith in things, on being okay. I have to learn that I am not who I thought I was and stop being afraid of every little possible crack in the moment. The truth is I am fine and I can take anything that comes my way. That I don't have to be in charge and clean and polished with everything in place. It doesn't make things better and it doesn't make me happy and it puts everything at risk.

I have to learn to be and trust in that.

2011-11-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

This Cheating Heart

So I am half assing NaNoWriMo this year.... I decided that I would revisit my second attempt at a novel--one that has yet to be read by any besides me and Johnno... He's only read it because I am paying him.

Really.

This novel was one that I had printed out a few years back and then somehow lost the actual computer files. I'm still not sure when it happened but it took me a while to notice. I freaked out when I did because the idea of retyping so overwhelming that I kind of flaked out. But I managed to convince Johnno to take on the project for some cash and it has worked out well.

And now I am being to try and retool it. I haven't really typed a new word yet but have been working on renaming the characters and restructuring the plot in my head. What is interesting is I have found I have a handful of odd archetypes I revisit in my work. It will be interesting to see if I can get close to actually finishing it. But what I have reread I do like.

It's reassuring. It means I am taking up a hot lover instead of desperately holding on to hope for a love past it's prime. Plus it reassures me that I can have talent at points.

2011-11-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

Forever Isn't Too Far Away

Been gone a bit... Not the first time or last time this will happen but at least i still feel guilty for not writing... Means I am keeping perspective I guess... Still its an excuse.

Boo...

Life has been crazy the last few weeks. I almost actually quit my job--it had become one of those situations where things were getting worse but no one was listening even though I am the only one in my department... I had been spending the last few Saturdays in the office (4 weeks worth) to try and make things better and when the show suddenly tried to upend that with list of new tasks to add to the ones I was hired for....

I lost my shite

I had to hide for at least an hour the day it happened--and every other day I was so upset that it was like the heat source radiating off my body. I try to be good at my job, I push myself very hard but even I reach a breaking point. I think the need to pay for my wedding is the only thing that kept me going--no matter how much Sophie try to convince how great it feels to just walk away from a job.

And then they saw the light.

Out of the blue my two bosses had a meeting with me and suddenly shifted my work load to something much more manageable, something I had pushed for almost 2 months ago and both were like-this makes the most sense right? I almost passed out from relief and in the time since then things have gotten much better. Much much better.

But until then I could barely string two words together much less a blog entry.

I always feel sorry about that.

2011-10-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

This Life Is Out Of Service

So I have fallen apart a bit in the last week. Not emotionally but more in terms of schedule and doing the things I want to do versus need to do. I made it into month 2 of P90X and proceeded to fall off the schedule. I didn't just stop but I had to miss a day or two which made me feel crazy guilty which then made me double on workouts which made me super sore and tired which made the next day harder.

I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Add to the mix an internal debate... I am trying to figure out if and what i should do about NaNoWriMo this year. There is a novel that I have that I need to rewrite that Johnno has been transcribing for me from the last hard copy I had before my computer crash back in 2005. It is not the same novel as my first NaNoWriMo so it doesnt feel like full out cheating but still... I like to play by the rules which insist on new work each time.

Its not like I even have an idea or a plot to do but I just feel like I don't want to cheat. This makes me crazy of course--no one will know or care besides me so I can do what I want. But work has been crazy too so will I want to sit back down at a computer and write after a 9 hour day? Only if work gets better.

But the most important part is this--if I do p90x and NaNoWriMo I will have no life at all outside of these projects. Both mean the world to me in different ways and both would benefit me immensely but would they drive me crazy if combined? That is the part I am not sure about.

But it would save me money from not going out as much. A benefit to be considered.

2011-10-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Emerson Don't Have Math Majors

Weddings are expensive. Weddings in LA are more expensive. Weddings in LA when you do the math wrong and get really excited about a location and cost are really expensive when you figure out the proper amount

This is not surprising and yet I was surprised.

I am trying hard to not get too let down as the wedding search continues. It doesn't help that I have found one place I would really like to have the ceremony but due to bad math I thought we had found the place. My math was really off though and it made me depressed for the better part of a week.

But there are other places that I like as well and we are so FAR out from even paying for a place that this is all just window shopping. Edie noted that she was surprised I was so gun ho about everything wedding when the truth is I just want things settled and to have it all planned out.

Maybe Johnno and I need to rethink LA--maybe just a random place in the country could be cheaper. Nebraska anybody?

2011-10-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

Broken Engagement (Ring That Is)

My ring broke apart the other night and I kind of freaked out. I'm not surprised that it happened--its an Esty ring that is not meant to be worn full time. But still I felt a little snapped when the clock came off of the band when I bounced my hand against the door frame at Kelly's house.

And while I hid my reaction from the girls that night--at home I was really sad. I dont miss wearing the ring but I miss the meaning of it which bummed me out. Now I have to wait on the seller to tell me the best way to get it fixed.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long.

2011-10-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

Like An Episode of Gossip Girl

I have been the process of asking people to be apart of the wedding. It's been a hard thing to do--mostly because I wanted to ask certain people in certain order, some people I have had to struggle to have the time to ask them face to face and with others there has been debate.

Not naming names.

But the hardest thing about picking people to be in your wedding is how much of it is about trust, how much of it is about shared history and how much of it is about politics. I know it should always be "ask who want when you want" but it doesn't feel that simple in the moment. Especially since I have to take Johnno's side of the wedding into consideration as well.

In terms of numbers and order--I am not telling him who he can and can't ask.

But the hardest part has been nailing certain people down. It should be no surprise that Edie is my maid of honor--or as she prefers the title "First Bitch"--but it took me forever to get to ask her. Part of her job is traveling and I just really wanted to have a moment with her to make sure that she could take the position.

(Like in football--which i have taken up watching.)

But after a much of missed opportunities to talk on both sides--I finally sent her a video from my phone just flat out asking her to be in the wedding. It felt ridiculous when recording it and took forever to send but I'm also glad it played out that way. We often joke that we are Blair/Serena from Gossip Girl and this is so how they would do this.

It's funny.

And so now I have two members of the bridoom party settled on my side. Now I just have to get ready and track down all the others. Hopefully it should get easier now.

Right?!

2011-10-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

Working Through It

So I have been working on the body. I find that doing that helps remove some of the stress in my life and makes me feel better about myself. It has been hard counting--in some cases guessing--my calorie intake but I have learn to boost some numbers and cut back on others. I never realized how little I ate during the start of my day and how much that affected me.

It's good to learn.

My only compliant is that I have been doing P90X which is hard and yet easy at the same time. It is easy in the sense that my back has been fine with the workouts and with the exception of the pullups I have been in pretty good space through the process. The only problem is that it is at least an hour of working out six days a week. Sometimes it gets ready hard to make the time.

I am not a gym bunny.

But it is amazing to know what your body is capable of when you fuel it correct and maintain it properly. I like how things fit, I like knowing how to eat better and I am proud of how good I have been doing.

I feel like less of a machine and more like a work of art in progress.

2011-10-08T01:25:00.000-07:00

Caught In The Middle

Samuel is in town. The ex returned for a local friend's wedding and decided to spend a week here in the city catching up with various odd friends. It's kind of weird. I mean, he and I have hash and rehashed our history and came to a certain peace with how things worked out. We talk about writing and TV, share scripts and stories about dating and family but even still the idea of him lurking around my neighbor threw me.

Sometimes I'm crazy.

I guess it was because the last times we saw each other in person, in the same space, were uncomfortable at best. I wasn't sure how I would handle seeing him and he was more than willing to meet Johnno and vise versa.

It felt awkward.

But the three of us went out to dinner last night--Samuel made a point of buying since he felt I did most of the paying in our relationship. It was a sweet but unneeded gesture. We talked over salads and soups and through coffee and a small neighborhood walk. It was easy if jumpy at points--being in person I think reminded me of everything about us as a couple both good and bad.

Perspective.

Later on we went to the local lesbian bar for trannioke. I figured if the conversation died we would at least get a good show out of it. It was fun and we each had a chance to sing and drink. The two boys got along well and I was given the ex approval on my fiancee. And Johnno-for his part--understood a bit more about my past and could see me clearer.

Interesting.

And outside of an exchange or two everything stayed polite and light and fun. I'm glad that we are all over that hump. I feel now like I have settled something more in my past--not that there were lingering feelings but I just know more now.

2011-10-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

In The Air

I'm getting kind of tired of being stressed.... Between work driving me up the wall--not good or bad but just up a wall, feeling like I am broke--because I have to pay for all the upgrades in my lifestyle, and just the stress of even thining about wedding planning--how do most people do this? I am feeling all weird and annoyed and frustrated.

That being said I am doing myu best, still working out doing P90X and staying on my caolorie counting.... Not sure how i feel about things yet but I have to hope that somehow it will all come together...

A change is in the air right?

2011-09-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

Sacrifice

It is what it all comes down to. To get what you want you have to put away the easier options, the safer options, the known options. You have to decide on one path, one choice and one goal.

I have been struggling with this.

The wedding planning brought this idea to the forefront and it is one that I wasn't ready to accept. I was talking with some of my girls over cocktails and beets about how I felt that I was going to have to make large ones and Valeska pointed out that was the point of what I was trying to do.

I was hoping for a better answer.

In the aftermath of hashing out guest lists and locations and bridal parties I started to freak out in my head. Because to get married would take a lot of turning down and giving and putting aside. I like my life the way it is--nights out and new clothes, itunes shopping sprees and trips out of town. I worked hard to make my life debt free and something that allowed for all of that and planning the wedding was proving that would all have to stop--or least not be as easy.

I got upset.

I tried to wrap my head around why.... Part of me suspected that it had to do with the fact I never thought I would get married. I'm from that gay generation that didn't grow up thinking that would be possible. I wanted the right but never put it in perspective.

I always imagined myself in some kind of witty party--filled with townhouses and art shows and high fashion and good books. I would have a lover who I lived with--we would both be creative and urban--we would be free to do what we wanted as long as we shared the memories with each other. No picket fences or car pool lanes for us.

And while there was part of me that wished for the other side of the coin--the two kids and the house and the ease of being of homebodies and the challenge of child rearing it was an abstract idea. Kind of a "Sliding Doors" moment--the life unled.

And now I am at that crossroad and I have to figure who I am and what I want. I love Johnno and want a life with him but how to make that happen? if i could we would be married tomorrow in a simple quick ceremony with our nearest and dearest--fuss or muss. But the other side of me likes the romance and uniqueness of a wedding. One of the first gay weddings to be legal--we will wait that long--the first of our friends and families in most cases.

But now I have to work on making that happen. Of putting aside shoes and Vegas and David Levithan books to make that real. I know I can do this and it is what I want but change is hard and I don't want to miss a thing.

I have always wanted it all.

2011-09-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

The Fiancee and the Reality Showboy

As aprt of our trip out of town Johnno and I decided the weekend of the lesbian wedding would make a great kick off to playing our own. We would have a cabin to oursleves and the isolation from the rest of the weekend's events to pour over planning manuals, make lists and figure out the details that would matter to us.

One of the funny things about the hotel is that it has a rumors of being haunted. There is a handful of cabins where Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, and the Kennedy brothers used to stay. Johnno was not real thrilled at the idea of huanted spaces or ghosts--

Of course the only cabin availible was the Marilyn Monroe cabin. Haunted by hers truly--due to the rumor that she actually died there instead of in LA. I was thrilled of course--I was hugely in Monroe growing up and I always love a chance to spook the hell out of the boy. Not one of his favorite things.

Here are some pictures to give you an idea of the space.

Of course the first thing I did was explore the one room cabin. I found the weak spot in the floor where the old secret tunnel used to come into the cabin. The rumor was that our cabin and the two next to us all had tunnels underneath that innterconnected between each other and the casino. The reason being that if the place was raided people could get from Nevada to California secretly. And while there was a tour of the tunnels--we didn't have time to go.

Though I did have time to try and set my phone ring to a spooky recording of Marilyn singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." It didn't work and Johnno probably would have made me the second ghost of the cabin.

Of course the irony was not lost on me of trying to plan the wedding in a room that was haunted by a well doucmented loser at love. I decided bad juju be damned--we had work to do.

So Johnno and I stocked up on food and spent the better part of Saturday evening hashing out ideas and lists. The one thing that kept coming up was how hard it was going to be to pay for a wedding. I know it is snotty--but I couldn't help but feel resentful that unlike a straight wedding--it became clear that neither of us would have any parental money for the event. It stressed me out.

Money is one of the biggest issues in my life. I am in a good financial place with little debt--everything is like a Desitny's Child song cause it's mine, I buy it and I depened on me. So the idea of having to somehow come up with thousand of dollars made me so edgy and nervous that we didn't really nail down much in terms of cost.

But we did manage to work out a guestlist, the list of people for the bridal/groom parties, the ways we would like to try and include some other people in the ceremony. We came up with some unexpected choices which will be great if they work out--unusal things that are true to us and the relationships in our lives.

What took me by surprise was how much I freaked out over the family aspect of the wedding planning. Not so much Johnno's family--that is his battle to pick and choose--but my own. I have always been a bit removed from my family--more by circumstance than choice--but suddenly it became clear to me how hard this situation was going to be.

To try and balance my mother and my father, my stepfather's family versus the other families, picking who I would like to be there and who I don't want. I was emtional and found myself very locked up. It is going to be hard and I am not sure what to do and how not to offend.

But at least I am glad that there is no family money in the mix--paying our own way means it is on us and us alone. I like to think that Marilyn was guiding that school of thought--that to create one's own moments in life is what gives it meaning. And even if it doesn't work out exactly right--it is ours to make and own.

2011-09-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Fashion Makes Me A Whore

I have decided to try and do a tumbler account of my various fashion wants and wishes seperate from my blog. It will be about things I like, things I want and things I will have. Not sure it will be to everyone's taste but I think it is a great side project

You can follow the story here

http://glamkattefashionwhore.tumblr.com/

And of course--feel free to comment or email on it. it is meant to be a discussion piece more than this blog will ever be.

2011-09-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

A Weekend Away

So Johnno and I spent last weekend away up at Lake Tahoe.... It was for a friends' wedding--a lesbian wedding--and with marriage on our mind it seemed the perfect time and place to start thinking about ours. Of course we were a little distracted.

The place we went to was called Cal Neva and it was just like stepping into the lost sets from "Dirty Dancing". It kind of stopped me in my tracks.

This is the view from our friends room. Goregous and reminded me that city life is not the only pretty life.

This would be the recurring theme of the weekend. Random art and folk accents. Truly a different world.

Key word is rustic

The name of the hotel comes from the fact that is was right on the state line. It had gambling and smoking on one part but the other was strictly California legal. It made it obvious why the place was briefly owned by Frank Sinatra and visited by such people as the Jack Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Judy Garland, and Marilyn Monroe.

This was the weird mix of Indian, Mexican, Esmiko art in the Celeb Stage Room. This room was redone for Nancy Sinatra to perform in when Frank owned it... It is also were Judy Garland and her sisters were discovered in the 30s.

The recurring theme was that NOTHING had been updated since the 60s. Lots of weird and random details that made me laugh. I like a bit of camp when in the woods.

All that said--the wedding itself was beautiful even if it did take place in the Indian Room. Politically correct this place was not. But what an inspiration for us.

2011-09-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

This Won't Hurt A Bit

So I think I finally figured out my back issue. It has to do mostly with the way I sleep and how that aggravates my old injury. So now I have to learn how to sleep on my back--and if you have ever had to retrain yourself on how to sleep then you know this...

It is tiring.

My body is so used to relaxing into sleep with me on my stomach--something that I had done since I was younger as part of a way to help my asthma. It is such a calming way for me to drift off that it has been extremely hard to adjust to... Even as I wake up every morning with a better and better back.

And now I debate doing a week of sleeping pills to for me to drift off in the proper position and get used to the idea of that kind of sleeping. Which seems unhealthy as all get out but would get me back in the swing of things.

Of course this is not meant to sound ungrateful. The ability to walk normally and work out and dance and all adult things with pain is pretty much the bees knees... Or the bees back?

I guess that is a bad analogy.

2011-09-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

The Garden of Eden

So it has been exactly one week since my new phone. I finally broke down and got a smart phone--I have been very against this but figured it was time. I was sent a "Deal"--to good to be true as it turned out--and decided that it would be helpful to have things like instant bank access and a camera that I could email pictures from instead of doing it the long way through the fiancee's phone.

I even bought an iphone.

*Shudder*

I have a lot of issues with Apple as a company. While I understand most of the benefits when it comes to their computers; virus free (for the most part) and able to run particularly graphic and image programs well, I love the instant gratfication of itunes (a little too much) but when it has come to Ipads and Iphones I have had a huge problem.

There is the amount of censhorship that Apple has engaged in when it comes to these two particular platforms. I am not a fan of someone taking something that is basically free (in the sense of free trade of ideas) and suddenly imposing their own limitations on it. I don't like that Apple will ban any appilcations for the Iphone that it "has issue with" because honestly free speech is important.

Now I am not saying I want kids to get free porn texts or want to down load the KKK locator but I should have that option when I buy my own operating system. Which is what these things are. I don't want to have fashion layouts in Out Magazine censored for being too "risky" or Madonna's nipples airbrushed off any magazine. I'm an adult and can choose for myself.

Now if Apple had options for parents to remotely censor applications on their childrens' phone--I would be behind that. It would be similar to the parental locks on TV and cable or warning on CDs. Give people information and let them make their own choices. That is important to me.

But why was it not important enough to prevent me from buying their product?

Because it is the top of the line option. In terms of battery strength, in terms of techinolgy it is the best. They dominate the field. Which is why this censorship is scary.

We love it so much we forget about the price we pay.

2011-09-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Perfect Day

I guess I am more simple than I thought... This time last week I had a perfect day and I didn't realize how happy it made me until after the fact. There was no huge moments in the day--just a smal smattering of different things that happened--my new phone was up and working, I managed to order a handful of items from the Target Missoni collection, I started and was doing well with a new eating program and even Johnno and I were just in a good vibe.

It was nice.

I don't think I realzied how often that is not the case; how often things get messy or petty or emotional for me. The fact that all it took was technology working how it was suppsoed to, some light shopping and better focus on my own life goals--such a simple and easy list to push through... It makes me wonder if I need to work on focusing much smaller in my aims.

2011-09-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe?

Last night after wine with the girls--I was walking home and ready to climb into bed. I did have an offer for a ride but I turned it down because I wanted to enjoy the weather. This is usually when I would have a cigarette as well.

Walking along I thought about how easy it would be to swing by the store and grab a pack of cigarettes at the 711. I only really wanted one and could just hide away the rest of the pack and be fine.

This NEVER works.

But having made my mind up--I actually pulled the patch off my arm and started to walk down the longer way--past 711. But then I caught myself and turned the corner for the shortcut home because I realized I did not WANT a cigarette.

This is HUGE

So much of the struggle with this comes down to training yourself to say no, act indifferent and remind yourself constantly why you can't. But you always still want one; always always always. Which is what made tonight so different.

I didn't...

2011-09-14T09:52:00.001-07:00

Fashion Whore

I really want this

I don't know it is ridiculous or not but I love this look.... I really want it but cannot justify that much money on a retro piece... I need to win the lottery ASAP

2011-09-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

Life Notes With Rory

This is the view from my desk--not of it. Without my co-worker Hector here to mock i have taken my former smoking breaks to try and learn all the states. I am a nerd.

2011-09-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

As The Leaves Fall

Obviously it is fall... I have cleaned my closet out of gross summer shoes that didn't last, t-shirts that grew to big or were always to small, the flipping through of last springs clearance purchases AKA new items to break in. The bed gets a slightly thicker blanket, i'm not as concerned with the abs and flip flops become laundry shoes once again.

It is also time to change up the hair. One of the great things about being a dirty blond with thick hair is that I can afford to grew it out to long surfer-lite bangs and blond shades all summer but when fall comes around--time for a new look.

Dark brown hair with reddish tones, a nicely kept but still rugged looking beard. The fake glasses come out more often and hats become less about hiding un-styled hair and more about seasonal warmth.

And it is always funny who loves the change and who bemoans the lack of blond. While the boyancee is always fairly mute when it comes to my looks; it is always the random girls in my life who seem to notice and comment. I have people like Chloe and Raquel saying it is sexy and hot while Edie seems to wait for summer to roll back around for her favorite blond to return.

It's nice to have the options though. For some people it is caramel coffee drinks but for me it is dark caramel locks. To each his own I guess

2011-09-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

Like A Sheryl Crow Song

So this weekend ended up being very low key but also very informative... Last weekend I had bought a new desk for Johnno to set up in the bedroom--I felt bad that he felt he had no space and so I managed to work out a game plan (or two)in my head for him to have a space all his own for his podcasting and general desk/space issue. It actually has worked out well and he seems quite happy with the whole situation. He gave me a thank card later that week and while it made me happy--it gave me pause.

Something in the card realy stuck with me; a brief line that implied that I was a good boyfriend for dealing him... It was an innocent turn of phrase but it made me feel like maybe he thought I thought of the relationship that--dealing with things. I didn't like it. Because I know that I am the more difficult one.

Between the non-smoking attempt and general work madness--my fuse has been shorted by at least a mile. I can be snappy or get worked up pretty easily--I have started to see that around him I can be incredibly high strung and snappish. Something I tend not to do around other people because with them I get moody and silent and drift away--I don't get WORKED UP.

Being aware of this, I decided to try and step up the romance game. We went and had a nice expensive dinner on Friday night just because, I spent most of Saturday cleaning out my closet, catching up on grooming and basic household stuff while he was at work. We then decided to head out for the night by ourselves.

One of the things we have fallen into is going out to one of the three gay bars in the neighborhood--different ones different times--which is a nice change from the usual places we hang with the hang. I can see that Johnno misses his gay lifestyle from Seattle--have the boys to hang with and the bars to hit with them--I never really had that but I am finally seeing the appeal of that.

Unfortunately, we don't really know any gay guys that we "hang out" with and so we head out to these bars, drink and talk amongst ourselves and it is usually a variation on what we would do at the Dollhouse. And recently it has become more drinking then I am comforatble with--not alcoholic or anything--but we are drinking out of boredom or lack of anything else to do. I really would like to change that because I'm tired of slight hangovers and late night dinner food that may or may not be good for the diet.

So I have decided that we need to work on doing things away from the bars--just the two of us. I suspect it will be a lot of movies, maybe mini-golf or roller skating, drives to the beach or something along those lines. I like the idea of us being more than just out at bars--this isn't to say we won't go out with our friends and stuff cause we will but we as a couple need more than nightlife.

A change would do us good.

A change would do some good.

2011-09-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

Music Whore

I just love this song right now... Thanks to Chloe for the exposure... Happiness

2011-09-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Art

No this is not some pretentious piece about the process or the calling or anything like that. (Though maybe it should be at some point.) Instead it is about those objects that hang on walls, from ceilings or sit in many a display case.

Traditional objects de art

I started getting curious about art again mostly through watching Edie... Not that she has suddenly taken up painting or sculpture--though that would be interesting-but through her recent obsession with purchases and collecting small pieces of it from a mutually favorite artist. I'm not copying her per say but was taken aback by how easy she made it look to find, purchase and display something only you own the original off.

Anyone who knows me well has at some point seen my collection of art prints/posters. I love a picture painting whether it is classical, pop art, cubism and everything in between. It just never occurred to me to search and find artists that I like--artists whose work I can own for my own.

It feels very mature.

So I decided this birthday that I would buy myself my first piece of art. It didn't have to be expensive or huge--just something that spoke to me, my personality and my sense of humor and whimsy. And this is what I came up with.

I know.

It is goofy and pop culture and more than a little gay. There was something ironic and iconic about the picture that spoke to both my sense of humor and my current state of mind. I wasn't sure how I would feel until it arrived and then I fell in love with it. Johnno himself seemed to like it--and he has been down this road before with friends who start to collect art. He reminded me that the point is to like what I am collecting and not just look for the popular style or name or whatever. And he is fine with this new hobby.

As long as I don't call myself a "patron of the arts".

2011-09-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

7 Days

So technically I made it 7 days without smoking. A full week. I should be excited about this development, embracing forward movement, getting beyond certain time frames and just being positive. I should be focused on all of that.

But...

I managed to spend the week post Lola's birthday party not smoking, not being being tempted and even getting back on par with my workout schedule. The better eating is still being balanced out but is a work in progress for both me and Johnno. I can't really get worked up too much on that. I do though--always my flaw.

I get too worked up.

So Sunday night--because of the holiday--it was decided that a handful of us would hang out for drinks. Not unusual but we were going to do our drinking on the West Side so that we could pick up Valeska from the airport and catch last call with her. Originally the line was to be Kelly, Johnny, Sabine, Dominic, Johnno and myself--the perfect amount of people to be able to move around from bar to bar before Kelly picked up V.

Johnno and I had made a game plan of sorts... We were going to go and grab some In N Out to eat on the way--one of the few diet approved fast food options--and I would be able to grab CBTL since the coffee house was next to my bank. Everything was lined up to be an easy night of Johnno driving us to meet up with everyone and continue the easy going flow of the weekend.

Of course things changed.

Last minute Kelly's husband decided not come out--he had too much work to catch up on from home--so she decided to offer Johnno and I a ride with her. I was in the shower and just starting to get ready when this conversation began--and my night went from burgers and coffee and long showers to having to be ready in ten minutes, no time for food and no way to get coffee.

I lost my shite.

Not in a yelling, crying, throwing things type of way--more of a seething annoyance. Johnno picked up on the new vibe right away and managed to keep his distance from me-I'd like to believe he was giving me space instead of worrying I was mad at him. And the truth is--I wasn't mad at him. He didn't want to drive if he could avoid it, he wanted to be able to have more than 2 drinks the whole night and I don't ever get to present that option to him.

But I was still upset.

Of course I stuffed it into myself and just kept doing what I was supposed to do. I was really upset but had no way to vent my feelings without feeling like a spoiled asshole. Which I was being. So began the slippery slope towards me and a pack of cigarettes later that night.

Yep.

But thinking about it all after the fact--I have learned that I use(d) my smoking as a form of meditation when angry. In the past when these things would happen--I would go off away from the situation and take several moments of deep nicotine-d breath away from the stress factor whether it was a person, place or thing. And I have yet to figure out how to replace that coping mechanism with anything else healthier.

I could learn to mediate on the go. I could try and get less worked up in general. I could take up counting things or yoga stretches in the moment. But I always feel so foolish doing things like that--a silly guy doing foolish things.

Somehow it has not clicked in that it is more foolish to engage in a seriously unhealthy, expensive and disgusting habit. That should be my focus--the negative more than anywhere else in my life. But it is not yet.

Which is how I broke my 7 day streak.

2011-09-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Holiday Rift

It's weirdly nice to get a day off... It is not normal when it comes to what I do. I work long hours, under tough deadlines in some harsh places. I spend my time at my job trying to do so much with so little, never knowing for certain when a show might wrap, where I might end up next and how I will get from point to point B.

However

I love my job. It makes me happy, hopefully it makes other people and at the end of the day I am usually quite proud of what I do. No I don't get health benefits, no 401K, there is no union for me to join. Sometimes it makes things harder, to chase the dream with no guarentee other than the ones I make myself. And sometimes I wish it was easier to feel protected from bad jobs.

Which is why when people complain about unions, bargaining rights and the like I have to wonder... Do you get health care? Paid sick days? Paid vacatiobn?!? I sure don't.

And there are some who argue I could have all this is I walked away and got a real job. Settled down into something stable with all the trimmings. That all us union supporters are just whining for no reasons. When I know that I work hard--harder than most people making that arguement. I wouldn't trade it for the work but sometimes I just want to look at them and say

SHUT UP--UNIONIZE!

2011-09-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

Todays Lesson

Never forget that I am the only one responsible for myself, the only one to be trusted to handle my business and the only one who values what I hold dear. Letting anyone else into that process is a step towards failure--no matter their intentions.

Something I need to remember

2011-09-01T15:15:00.001-07:00

Fashion Whore

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw "hello lover..."

I shall have you--tis my birthday gift to self.

2011-09-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

...

So this week has been spent trying to get things back together. The job is finally back on track with filming in Florida--which is a good thing because I was able to catch up on other tasks but still have a job through Thanksgiving. Something to be grateful for indeed.

And I actually seem back on task with my workout schedule. I have been taking advantage of the new free gym machines in the park by my house... Even though it is weird to work out at night and have already been scared by a coyote and a homeless person. But free is good and I find I like the quiet and open air just as much as doing videos in the apartment. Not sure if much has changed body-wise but being able to work out consistently while on the patch is impressive.

Speaking of patches and non-smoking--after falling on my face Thursday I stumbled again on Saturday. I was cranky and mean during the day, the heat kept the patch from sticking to my skin and I just kind of took it out on Johnno. To the point that he--usually unflappable--called me out on it. The problem is that the first few days or even weeks of quitting smoking make me a bit less comfortable and social. He basically said that I wasn't spending time with him and acting like I even like him much--so that stung and spun me straight into a pack of smokes.

But that is an excuse

So I woke up on Sunday, put on my patch and started the process over. I'm doing better than before in terms of moods, sleep has gotten a bit easier and I am trying to put extra effort into how we react together. Hopefully I'm doing enough to make this all work. And I have decided to take a step away from some of my usual haunts like Tranny Karaoke and BB drinks post live show to get a better grasp on being a non-smoker.

Hopefully this all pays off. I want it too

2011-08-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

Fashion Whore

I sense a little inspiration coming this way. Let's see how I can adapt this in the near future without spending much money. i know it can be done--I've done more with less. Loves it

Hmm hmm hmm...

2011-08-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Fashion Whore

It is expensive and probably tacky but I love it.

It is so me right? Except for the pink part but--whatevers

2011-08-26T11:43:00.001-07:00

Perspective

From Miss Lucy's blog

at some point in my life i made the decision that i needed to do everything by myself because the world owes me no favors and if you want something you’re going to have to do the work to get it.

no one told me that not everything has to be work and no one told me that it’s not about favors or anyone owing anyone anything.

I should cross stitch this somewhere. Or a tattoo.

2011-08-26T01:11:00.000-07:00

Face Is Bruised

Tonight I fell on my face. Not literally but in the metaphysical sense. I had 3 cigarettes with BB people. I should not have. At all. No excuses.

But what I learned tonight is how emotionally manipulative I am. I had one of those moments with Johnno where I presented different options of what to do in a situation but in my heart there was only one answer. I tried to gently tried to push and pull him towards doing what I wanted but when it didn't work out I felt myself get angry! Super angry.

And I realize I do this all the time. It is a test without knowing. Awful.

At least I was about to acknowledge the mistake and was processing it through as I headed out for the night. I had plans to stop by the BB show for a glass of wine before heading down the street to Kato's birthday party. I did well around the temptation and managed to get in and out easily

I then hit up the birthday where I had a couple of drinks and some fried cauliflower. I made some conversation with the birthday boy and his wife, with Ali and Kelly and Thomas before deciding it was time to head home. I was tired but needed the walk.

And this is where it went off the rails. I walked past the BB bar where everyone was clearing out and managed to get talked into having "one more drink" with them. Now there some people like Bumble and Nina who I had not seen yet so I did honestly want to catch up. But this led to more than one drink and to 3 cigarettes.

Right now I hate myself. The only high point is that i did stop at 7/11 on way back and grabbed water and a bag of chips. The idea of buying smokes never entered my head.

But still

Do I need a sponsor?

2011-08-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

The Adult List

This almost sounds like a porn career... However-for many reasons--it is not and instead is the ever growing list of things I need to figure out how to deal with. Things that make me nervous or give me pause--I know I need to handle them but I DON'T WANNA!

It's important and random things like dentist appointments and budgeting for a new computer and figuring how and when I can get the couch reupholstered... When are Johnno and I going to sit down and work out a game plan for a wedding, much less the budget for one... When am I going to work out all the little life necessities that i just don't have right now and how can I budget for them...

The list overwhelms me.

I wish there had been a class in college called "How to handle real life shit" that would have touched on insurance and retirement plans and budgeting and scheduling things like teeth cleaning and car tune ups and all the other stuff you only figure out by failing at.

2011-08-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

This Could Be Me

Who would have guessed?

2011-08-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

Day Three

Patches give you weird dreams. Like really weird dreams that cause real anxiety.

No I am not a pirate.

Yet.

As part of my non-smoking plan I have decided to get back on the nicotine patch. I know that there are some people who would suggest just going cold turkey but I do like being employed, engaged, and entertaining. None of that would be possible if I just stopped.

Honestly--I would either end up in jail or the morgue.

But I always forget how strange the patch makes me sleep; either I am tired all the time or deeply stuck in weird night dreams. I have been back to my high school, hooked up with my boss, being in horror film where I was the killer, lost all my money and became a hobo, and even one where I was married to one of my friends--girlfriends. I even had one so scary that I caused an asthma attack and woke myself up.

Freddy Kruger wouldn't be able to beat that type of self control.

Still--it is just weird. Going to sleep continues to feel like a potluck of emotion and memory. I am still going strong though--which is the good thing. Outside of a general and slight crabbiness, I think I am doing fine. But...

In the past Day Three has always been the sticking point

2011-08-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

Boxes of Memories/Inbox of Forever

I write thank you notes. Not the handwritten, self stamped, post delivered kind but various e cards I tack down over the internet. I'm never quite sure if this appropriate because I get the feeling that this offends some people.

which offends me.

I have never been a huge fan of useless mail. I rarely keep Christmas cards or birthday wishes--I have no scrapbook of past events to look back on. Mostly because people tend to sign generic things in them.

"Happy holidays-- Jack and Jill!"

"Make a wish Rory! Sarah and Sam"

Nothing about this kind of message will mean anything to me in the future--besides a show of possible popularity. If I am forgetful I highly doubt cards reading "keep in touch" or "Happy new Years" alone will suddenly trigger memories of those in my past.

However--I do keep cards with either amazing art which shows the person knows my taste, ones with inside jokes or memories and the few that have real sentiment scrawled inside. But even then I do wonder if I will need 30 plus "awesome story" cards when I am 70.

Maybe I will regret it.

But I just find that most people don't keep their greeting cards in general. And at least with the internet ones, people can chose to print them out if they'd like or keep them in the in box or delete at will. I'd rather give people the choice, not waste the paper, but still seem grateful

Maybe I'm just projecting.

2011-08-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Maybe Not So Much Of A Working Girll

So this is happening at my show.

A staple of MSNBC’s weekend program, the docu-series “Lockup” is facing a bit of a challenge in Florida. Florida Department of Corrections secretary Ed Buss approved a contract to let the production company behind the series film in a prison, but Governor Rick Scott says that Buss did not have the authority to approve filming.

Buss worked with the production company when he oversaw Indiana’s prison system. For now, it isn’t clear whether Scott’s office will approve of filming, or whether the crew will have to go to another state to get tape.

Sources within Buss’s office said the warden sent the film crew home Wednesday after hearing from Scott’s office.

Buss failed to vet the contract with Scott’s executive staff before signing it, Burgess said.

“The feeling is that it was outside the scope of the Department of Corrections purview to engage the state in an entertainment-related contract,” Burgess said. “Right now the Lockup contract is locked up and I don’t’ know if it’s going to be unlocked. It’s not going forward at this point.”

I have a job for now but who knows for how much longer.... Maybe I will do NaNoWriMo in October... That would be a good thing.

looking at the positive

2011-08-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

Accountabilty

My last cigarette was slim, purple, and with a gold tip. Nothing less the best for the end of an era. I realzied that with this birthday I would have been a smoker for half of my life--a very somber realization.

...

It's not like I haven't tried to quit before--I have tried what feels like a million times. I tried cold turkey, with gum, with hard candy and the little patches. I tried giving up things like wine and coffee to get my head around the association--I tried using sex as a replacement, shopping for clothes as an enticement, even sleeping away my cravings.

Nothing ever stuck.

People who have never had to fight an addiction can only imagine what it feels like--what they're shown in movies and tv, what they read in novels and biographies, hear in the lyrics of the sad little songs. The thing is--addiction is nothing like that when it comes to most people. I'm not hookering myself out for cash, I'm not shaking on the floor, I'm not losing jobs or cheating on boyfriends for a fix.

But I have used old butts to string together a cigarette, I have counted out to my last penny to buy a pack, I have snuck out of events both work and social for my fix. I walked in the rain and smoked in the coldest weather to do this habit. I know how hard I have made things because of my smoking. I just want it to stop.

And the thing is--I have a past with addiction. I was a bulimic in high school--continued to binge and purge at points during college and even life in LA. I learned how to move beyond it, how to talk myself through those moments and how to exist without it. I worked through the reasons I have made those choices; the insecurity from my childhood and high school, the feeling that I would never be hot enough as a gay man, the feelings of lonliness and unattractiveness. I managed my feelings in a new way and while my body/food/mind/sex appeal will always be hard to understand--I know how to cope.

But with smoking--it has been much harder. Part of it is I cannot find the root of what it does for me. Part of it is the actual cravings but there is so much more to the experience then that. Part of it is how I use the smoking as a way to not eat, part of it is a way to deal with my social anxiety, part of it is a way to give space when I am upset or stressing or whatever emotion or situation I am choosing to ignore.

When I do try and quit and fail--it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it's an obvious emtional trigger--something is stressing me out and I want that space and comfort. Sometimes it has been panic attacks and sudden anxiety. Sometimes it has been the comfort of an old friend and memories. Unlike my food issues I haven't figure out what to put in it's place. Maybe it should be words?

I don't know.

And what makes it harder is how the failure feels. I feel like so many people in my life have moved on from smoking easily--Nolan, Joy, Willie were all smokers on par with me and have each quick in seemingly easy ways. We have talked about it at various points but it always felt like their struggle was so not mine. And then there are the social smokers--the Lolas and the Kellys who would pick up the habit for a bit and then one day just stop. Easy and simply without even the appearence of difficulty.

I had to find a way. I know there are a million different possibilties. People with patches and gums, pills from the doctor, needles and massage, hypnotism. A million other ways to handle the problem.

All I know is I want it over. I'm tired of living like this--tired of feeling so out of control. I guess that is why I am putting it out there--to try and make myself accountable--not to you--but to myself in a new way. Hiding my attempts makes it easier to fail.

This makes me accountable.

2011-08-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Liberty of London was Child's Play

I am OBSESSED with the designs of Missoni--I first really got into that look while working on the Rachel Zoe Project. We had an episode about visit the family's fashion house and the neat looks, knits and colors there. I love a fun pattern and I love the mix and match ideal that they have.

So Target is making me lose my mind

I love the simplcity of the black cardigan with the fun of design.

I love things that are stylish and simple. Just so amazing

This makes me want to change my whole room... So warm and inviting

It just looks lux and pretty and my favorite colors

And I will kill for this. Like step on your ass and knock you down for this.

I will be there on September 13th in full padding. Wearing a cup.

Ready to fight for it. Makes liberty look like cheap shit

2011-08-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day

From Garrick regarding Nolan possibly being in a college dorm.

"Bang those freshman like their daddy never loved them. "

2011-08-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

For me please

a new drink recipe to try

Old Cuban

Description
Rum, Champagne, Angostura bitters, Simple syrup, Lime juice, Mint
Ingredients
1 1⁄2 oz Rum, Barbancourt (or Bacardi 8 yr)
3⁄4 oz Lime juice
1 oz Simple syrup
6 lf Mint
2 ds Angostura bitters
1 oz Champagne (float)
Instructions
Lightly muddle mint, lime, simple. Add rum, bitters and ice. Shake. Double strain into cocktail glass. Float champagne.

2011-08-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Esty

NO No no... There has to be better things to do with your time than this.

Volunteer or something

2011-08-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

Be Who You Are--Not Who You Were.strong>

So I am planning a party.

I hate parties.

I don't hate the act of parties--the music, clothes, dancing, socializing.... These are all things I like. But I hate the drama that comes with putting together the event. Part of me thinks it is because I never like being the center of attention, the one in focus but the other part of me thinks it is about my doubts and insecurities as a person.

I have some.

But a few weeks ago I was hanging out with the BB people--even with me no longer on the show I still make an effort to head out for their weekly drinks. The people on the show have become friends and a part of my life in unexpected ways. It's not normally something that happens with people I work with.

Not sure why.

I decided to randomly invite a bunch of the people from that world to the party that Kelly is throwing for my birthday. I was surprised at how quickly I got positive answers and how many people wanted to come. I don't ever think of myself as someone who gets that type of attention.

There is always a part of me that is still the small town boy from Pepperell--the kid who never went out on the weekends, never attended Homecoming, never needed to worry about overbooking. My life has changed in some many ways since then but at the end of the day--alone with myself--that is how I see things. Still working towards making people like me, doing everything I can to make people like me, never needed or wanted but just a part of the scenary.

But the truth is I am not that person anymore. I do have people who care about me, miss me when I am not around, who care and want to do for me. I have to learn to embrace that fact and embrace that person. I don't mean to say I'm the belle of the ball, or someone who needs all eyes on him but I am not ingored or lonely either.

I have trust in that and act accordingly.

2011-08-02T15:43:00.001-07:00
Oh Esty

Seriously people

who does this to someone? what crime is being committed... And can I do it twice so I can get two of these for the fall season?

But least we forget

Hipsters will make and wear anything. This is why I hate them.

2011-08-01T10:08:00.000-07:00
I WANTS THIS STUFF

I am kind of obsessed with furniture and once I see something I like--cannot stop thinking about it... Even if expensive and possibly ridiculous.

Like this here

At least this could work out to be practical... We do need a new dining room table--it has an extension leaf for it--it is the right shade of blue that I currently love... But i cannot justify the money/moving expense for it.

SIGH

But my love for this other piece is just ridiculous

It has no basis in reality and yet

2011-08-01T09:29:00.000-07:00
Music Whore

So this isn't so much about an album as much as it is about a service. I am OBSESSED with Spotify--the new music service that just hit stateside. It's a free--for now at least--service that allows you to have an "itunes like" experience by setting up playlists, finding various songs on the web but also adds a social media experience through both twitter and facebook if you choose.

I love the fact that whatever playlists I make on one computer are available on any other computer I have to use---the idea of my music following me with no real effort is a great deal to have when you work freelance and don;t like to drag your own computer from job to job.

Add in the idea of being able to see friends' own lists on-line, email or post songs and playlists to share and it just creates an amazing open and easy to maintain musical source.

I loved it so much that I had to play with for 2 1/2 hours when I first downloaded the program. And I am one of the least musical of my friends...

2011-08-01T08:48:00.000-07:00
Getting Served!

I suspect I am about to get served tonight... Johnno and I are having dinner with a lesbian couple tonight--one of the girls is a friend of his from Seattle who now lives in LA--and this will be the first time we have seen them since becoming engaged. This is only important because they are the only other engaged gay couple we know--and their wedding is coming up this fall.

which will be nice.

However i am sure this dinner will revolve around those type of conversations--weddings weddings gay weddings. Johnno and i have yet to make any serious or real progress on that issue for ourselves but I suspect that tonight's conversation will be all about that on some level.

I can't tell why i am so weird put off about discussing this. Maybe because we don't have any date, maybe because we have yet to sit down and look at money and how to pay for things, maybe because we're not at all sure what we want.

I know ignoring things doesn't make them easier but I'm being a baby and want my head in the sand a bit longer.

Le sigh

2011-07-27T11:07:00.001-07:00
Being An Adult

Means you cannot have things like this anymore.

It comes in a lunch bag--seen here--but also a backpack in kids' size. All kinds of animals and they are equally awesome. I kind of wish Lucy had not exposed me to this.

I mean I just so badly want one but somehow think I would like a bit too old for it. Even though I wear backpacks and old Hot Topic t-shirts to work everyday--I work it would get Chris Hanson on my ass.

2011-07-26T08:36:00.000-07:00
Wait--What?!

I have many a time--both in person and on the nets--talked about my unending love for Christopher Pike as a young adult writer. I have even come to find that when you are with people of the right age group--they can remember the names and plots of most all of his books.

The ones that really get people talking is the Final Friends series...his tribute to murder, sex, mystery and high school. Johnno's friend Andrea and I bonded over this series the first or second time we met, Lola and I have had many a spirited conversation as we rehashed the characters and plot and even friends as far away as Europe knew the story as well as I.

So I was stoked when I heard it was being released this year. But not so stoked about this part of the deal....

They have renamed the series.

I'm sure this is some logical reason behind this... a tricky marketing ploy so people won't search on line for the plot on wikipedia.... Maybe an attempt to try and lure in new readers.... Something that can later be spun into a CW/ABC Family show.... I don't know.

I just don't like it. It makes the series seem more melodramatic than it was--with Twilight-ish cover art. Just a very disappointing choice. I know I should be happy it is being reissued at all.

And yet

2011-07-26T08:29:00.000-07:00
The Book Project

I'm getting to slightly over midpoint of the book project. i promised myself I would read sixty books this year and while it has been going well--I have been a bit derailed. I think part of the problem is book selection.

When Johnno's store--aka Borders--closed down we made a huge list of authors to buy that we either didn't own or had owned in the past but had no current copies. For me that meant by a lot of F Scott Fitzgerald and Truman Capote... Which is good and all but...

I cannot keep flipping between those two authors--it is rather depressing.

I think that is why I have slowed down on my book consumption--it's hard when it begins to feel like it is just more boiled veggies.... Not that I don't love both those authors to death but I couldn't even do this time of reading with only Christopher Pike books

Which is saying a lot.

2011-07-26T08:28:00.000-07:00
Crabby Pants Lapointestein

Trying not to be crabby. Trying really hard but it is not working out yet. I have been on edge partially about work, weight, time, effort and a million other things. I'm making better choices hopefully but it still does not take away my desire to cut a motherfucker's head off every so often.

I need to chill

Or drink at work

Possibly both

2011-07-21T08:28:00.000-07:00
Design Whore

I'm thinking it might be time for something new in the master suite of the Dollhouse. I tend to like to switch it up every so often but I wonder if this would be too dramatic.

It's very Mad Men meets Valley of the Dolls which is how I roll. But maybe it is too much of a good thing. I wouldn't do the pink. I think.

2011-07-19T23:56:00.000-07:00
The Life You Save May Be Your Own

I went away this weekend. Not the most earth shattering experience for most people but this is not something I usually do. I don't normal take vacations but without Bb to eat up my summer I was able to finally take some time for myself.

Edie and her brother have a party every summer in their family cabin in one of those "fly over" states. It's been going on for almost ten years and while I have had an invite I have never gone. Johnno decided for my birthday to give me free plane tickets he had earned and I managed to make them work out so i could head out to the party this summer along with a handful of other LA virgins.

It was the right call to make.

Now while I cannot talk about what went down--one of the rules of the party--I was able to actually try and relax. there was boathouse dancing, shots out of skis, meeting infamous friends and some light nudity. It was odd to be out in the middle of nowhere on a river with nothing to do but wear a bathing suit, drink up and hangout.

I'm glad i did it.

And while I wasn't able to fully shake my social issues--I spent time kind of being aloof which is par for the course--I was able to actual relax. i didn't realize how much so until I was flying back to LA. There was this moment waiting for my flight when I suddenly realized exactly how LA people are--and how I have become so immune to it.

I usually don't ever feel the LA shame--that realization of how shallow and demanding LA people usually are. It is always so "do you know who I am? I'm important and matter" that is so unappealing and badly mannered. But I saw it and it effected me in ways I have never seen.

As I stared out the window of the plane, I suddenly felt how much stress I really care. I have become so much about my career, my appearance, the go-go-go of life that I forget to relax. I mused about what this means and how I can try and take what I learned and turn it into something more positive. It became about focusing on my friends more than the gossip, about working on things that matter more than working on the career, on focus on what can take the stress away and what really has meaning to me.

It was eye opening.

And I am still processing this. If you had told me how much this weekend would change my internal settings I would have laughed at you. But for the first time in a long time I became focused on Rory--not the "Rory". It has to mean something when I had a practical panic attack on the plane ride home--it was a sign of something to be done.

And this doesn't mean I hate LA or regret the choices I have made. Being so on the move has given me things I love; a career i am proud of, great friends with an amazing social life, goals when it comes to my body and the life style I want to lead. But now I know it needs balance.

Who would have thought that a few days in just a bathing suit and bad hair would cause such a thought provoking change of heart? Not me.

2011-07-15T00:44:00.000-07:00
Indiana Rory and the Tunnel of Love

I almost escpaed. I had my hand on the door handle when it went off the rails.

Now beofre I begin this post let me be clear on the following--I do like Johnno's parents. It's just that they are so hit or miss when it comes to me and their son. Sometimes they are friendly and the conversation flows easily but other times there is a disconnect. Like faulty wiring.

Last weekend they came to town for their annual visit. His dad has old college friends Sam and Abby who live down the way and so they make a yearly trip to catch up. I knew that this was upcoming and without BB as an excuse to miss out--i was down for at least one dinner.

But neither of us had seen his parents post the engagement and while they were supposedly supportive over the phone--I would be foolish to not expect something else in the flesh. And in the week before the visit we had finally found and were wearing engagement rings. I had tracked something fun from Esty for us to pick from and they arrived shortly before the trip.

The dinner itself was fine. His mother was perky and excited to see me as well as her son. She made a point of having u tell Sam and Abby about the engagement--I was worried that they would be very over the top in their response since they are both pro-gay marriage but they held themselves back.

We made it through the meal with little issue. Conversation jumped from sports to weather to career to family isssues. It was awkward at points but i figured that was just me--my family is very good at small talk about other things like films and TV where his is not. But we made it through the night and everyone passed with flying colors.

It wasn't until we headed for the door that anything went amiss. Johnno was saying good bye and I had already thanked both his father for his gift (a book about Jane Austen) and the hosts for the meal. My hand was on the door knob and about to exit when I heard the following phrase.

"What is that on your hand?"

Now I debate just pushing my way out of the house. I knew that Johnno's father had finally noticed the engagement ring but I also knew that it would be awkward. I listened as Johnno--in a cheerful voice as is his way--explained the ring and how he got it. Both his parents fell silent for a beat then his father encouraged us to leave. Not in a rude way but in a "you have to work the next day so go home now".

I could tell he was uncomfortable at the idea of his son wearing a ring with a stone in it. That all the ring meant was more proof of his gay son and his possible marriage to another man. I tried not to hold it against--I debated showing off my engagement ring as well but realized I don't want that fight.

Not an actual fight.

I am tired though of worrying about how his parents will handle us. They have had plenty of time to adjust to their gay son. It doesn't help matters that their daughter has had more than a couple of marriages and they constantly trip over themselves to pay for the event. I just wish they were excited and eager for us.

But they try and he tries and I try. Maybe one day it will be less about that.

At least I didn't push the door open and walk out. It's all about small steps really.

2011-07-14T08:30:00.001-07:00
Swimming With Sharks AKA Its Only TV

I got screamed at by my boss today.

When I say screamed I don't mean yelled at. I don't mean a snotty exchange. I mean full on loud voice, probably red-faced, loud and scary.

It sucked.

Actually it more than sucked. If it hadn't happened over the phone and in person I probably would have quit my job and left the office ASAP. I don't like being spoken to that way--I don't think anyone does. And the few times in my life where that has happened I either cut the person completely out of my life or don't allow them into in the first place.

And what makes the situtation worse is that I wasn't responsible for what happened in the first place. I couldn't have prevented the issue and I did actually try and address the issue weeks back with my co-workers. And when I found out later that one of them was present when this happened and said nothing--it was even worse.

It made me second guess myself and the job. he accused me of being bad at it, not paying attention and none of that is true. Frankly--if I hadn't just extended the job I would have left if offered the extension now. I was disturbed enough to almost cry which I never do--just goes to show how bad this all was. But i'm not the type of person to walk away and go back on my word.

And the worst part is that I like my boss. He has been amazing at points--an executive who gives chances, is very flexible when it comes to the job and he leads a great team of people.

Now I am at a loss of what to do. I avoided him all day today, the few moments we ran into each other we didn't speak and tomorrow we have a major meeting of the whole staff. I don't play to do anything except just sit there and hope to be ignored. And that is not me.

But I cannot shake how horrible he made me feel today. I just can't.

It sucked.

2011-07-11T16:20:00.000-07:00
Quote of the Day

I known it has been awhile but Joy said this today in response to planning my birthday

Good thing you are finally turning 21. All these birthday outings to Dave & Busters have been annoying me.

2011-07-11T16:05:00.001-07:00
Today's Annoying Wedding Fact

According to tradition in some countries (derived from Roman belief), the wedding ring is worn on the left ring finger because the vein in the left ring finger, referred to as the vena amoris, was believed to be directly connected to the heart, a symbol of love.

I just always wondered why the left hand

2011-07-10T20:21:00.000-07:00
The Dollhouse Does Not Allow Pets--Outside of Boyfriends

So we have bugs in the DH. We have had varitions of bugs in the DH off and on for a year or so. First we somehow got termites; nasty little bugs that were in the shower and then in my room. One actually crawled across my face while sleeping which led to me freaking out and getting real.

We had the place treated.

But of course this was a song and dance--miscommunication with the landlord about what we had to do, when to do it and how long we had to deal with this made me for the first time consider moving out of the DH. It didn't help that each time we had to deal with this led to me taking apart my room and made a very cranky Rory.

And then we got cockroaches.

Now this is something that has NEVER happened in the 13 years of the DH. It was gross and while Johnno and Lola both dealt with it--he had dealing with bugs in the past and Lola grew up in Costa Rica so was unphased--I finally had enough and demanded that we do something about it.

now the landlord--rightfully so--knew this was a novel thing so we tried traps and sprays and other easy remedies. But now we are at the point where nothing has worked and tomorrow they are coming to spray the kitchen and the bathrooms. I hopefully that this will be the end but every other time has been a pain so...

Fingers crossed that we will soon be back to our no pets policy

2011-07-10T20:13:00.000-07:00
The Lazy River Awaits

So this time next week I will be in the middle of nowhere, drunkenly floating on a river and possibly sunburnt and mostly likely smelly. One of the perks of this summer--turning down BB--and the perks of my job--they can be so flexible--is that I am able to do things that normally I have had to turn down.

In this case it is travel.

Every summer Edie's brother Edward hosts a group of friends at the family cabin out in the middle of the woods. Edie herself goes when she is not working and the invite has always been extended to any of us LA friends who want to make the trip. This year Johnno decided that my birthday gift would be free tickets to anywhere I wanted to go in the states and while I tried to make certain other places work--San Fran--I just could not pass up on the chance to head to the Midwest.

It is funny that in all our years of friendship I have never been to see where Edie grew up. It's not that I couldn't or that she would turn me away but I just never felt that it was the right thing. But with Edward getting married next year and everything--it just worked out between my job and Johnno's gift to be the right time to make the trip.

It helps that Edie, Valeska, Kelly, Dominic and Isabella will all be making the same trip. It will be fun for the LA kids to be somewhere new and take part in the tradition. The only bummmer is that I am going with Johnno--I always feel sad when one of else gets to do amazing things without the other--but I know that we will both have fun regardless.

That being said--I have no idea what to pack. Between a lack of beds, possible plumbing and bathing in a river I will be all out of sorts. But I will get to met Chantal--Edie's Chicago friend, drink in the woods like a farmboy and possibly find a new tradition. I can do this

2011-07-10T20:02:00.000-07:00
Alls Well That Ends Well

So my co-wroker is leaving his job at the end of the month. I had started to suspect as much--he and another co-worker of mine were rather unsubtly working on his resume and coverletters but I didn't read too much into it. Mostly because when I did I would get annoyed I was picking up his slack while he hunted for elsewhere.

Nonetheless--Hutch told me that he was leaving LA at the end of the month but would still be working on the show in New York. Happy endings for all... Of course this has led me and my co-worker Hektor to be a bit snarky about the whole thing. Its rare that I am flat out mean but it is novel to have a straight male worker who I get along so well. I like him.

And then Craig--my boss--finally came to me and asked me to stay on for the next cycle of the show. It is a relief to have my life planned out till at least Thanksgiving--if not longer--and allows me to be flexible with my time and my money. While I have liked almost every show I have worked on it is rare to feel so good about the money and the location and my co-workers. I find myself enjoying it immensely.

It doesn't mean that I don't miss BB. I miss hanging out with my friends there, the pace and craziness of the show, the whole summer camp vibe. But making this choice is the right one--I can have my social life, work on things with Johnno and get to do things that I like to do without the schedule of the summer hampering me. It feels nice.

I guess it has all worked out for the best.

2011-07-05T10:00:00.000-07:00
When Boredom Hits The Office

Last week my co-workers and I spent one whole day at work, bored out of our minds and talking about random and weird things. Somehow it came up about how soap operas are dying but would probably come back around as a reboot at some point like almost everything else. Discovering that we were all fans of different shows, we each picked one and wrote our own version of a reboot... Here is mine for "General Hospital."

I think for any reboot idea you have to get back to the bare bones of the show but keeping key characters and story points as a part of the new history. I would love to do a good General Hospital reboot with a focus on the original characters mixed with popular characters… I would have the hospital be the focus but also keep the adventure and mob aspects as part of the story as the show goes. (Mostly because whether we like it or not—they are part of the show’s history.) Take the best of each era and try and mix it all together.

I would obviously start out with a young 30s hunk named Steve Hardy—a compassionate and well liked general practitioner with a way for managing both his patients and the politics of hospital life. His best friend and fellow doctor is a young 30 something pediatrician named Jessie Brewer—when not working together on cases they spend their days in the break room and talk about their personal lives. Of course Steve is too dedicated to have much of one but Jessie’s complicated marriage to Phil Brewer provides more than enough conversation.

Of course Phil Brewer would hate to know that Steve is butting in on his marriage—the young and cocky researcher has little use for the Good Samaritans of the world including his wife Jessie. While he loves her simple nature and sweet behavior, Phil finds it even more useful that being married to Jessie serves as the perfect political salve for when he goes too far. It’s not that Phil’s a bad doctor—in fact he is a genius research doctor who is just starting to get national recognition when he’s not out drinking and bedding prostitutes.

And Phil’s skill has proven to be a money maker not just for the hospital but for the local corporation—ELQ—pharamuticals love creating new money makers. The company’s namesake Edward Quartermaine has no use for the brash doctor but Brewer’s work does provide a tidy profit. The only thing that 40 something Edward loves more than profit is his gentle and refined wife Lila (40s)—and sometimes his two children young medical intern Alan (23) and spoiled dilettante Tracy (21). While Alan is desperate to have his father respect him—wrangling himself an internship under his father’s star Dr. Brewer, Tracy is always trying schemes to get her father’s attention. Most outsiders would say that her spirited but bitchy nature comes from Edward—turns out that Tracy is more like Lila than anyone would guess.

Despite Lila’s blueblood background, she once spent time out in the world and having adventures of her own-- most notably backpacking across Africa with her dear friend—and private school classmate—Helene Hardwick. The two debutants spent their days volunteering with local tribes and using their family connections to raise money for Doctors Without Borders. That sense of community and charity stuck with Lila and when it came time to open a free clinic in the town of Port Charles—due to a PR fiasco with Dr. Brewer and the company—Lila called on her old childhood friend to come oversee the project.

And Helene (40s)—along with her husband Lars Webber (50) and son Jeff (21)—needed a reason to live and hoped that this new project would provide focus. Her marriage hit shaky ground after her oldest son Rick (26) disappeared and was presumed dead while working with Doctors Without Borders in Somalia—something Lars blamed his wife for. Lars has never been one for pipe dreams and unlike his wife, he relished the chance to mix the kind of wealth her “dear old friends” provided instead of rejecting the privileged life like his wife was known to do. Meanwhile third year medical student Jeff mostly felt lost—between his older sister Terri (28) fleeing the family for reasons unknown and his idolized brother being dead—he felt as if his family has forgotten about him in all the fighting and blame games.

But hopefully enlisting in the medical school at Port Charles University, away from ghost of Rick and the absence of Terri, would give Jeff the fresh start he needs. No one who knows him, no one who knows his family—just new faces to meet. Like the young and ambitious Monica Barb (20)—a talented and crafty medical student who despite her background—foster homes and group living—has managed to make her way through the expense of medical school. Monica may be smart but it helps that she has the looks and drive to make people bend to her will—whether it is securing scholarship money from the ELQ trust or using her sex appeal with various professors. She may play the sex card but isn’t selling it like some people in her neighborhood.

Such as Barbara Jean Spencer. Some would call the 15 year old redhead a street waif but she isn’t alone in the world—it’s just her brother Luke (19) is serving time in juvie and her Aunt Ruby (40s) tries to keep their relationship low profile. It’s one thing to run a whorehouse while paying off the mob and the local police but Ruby knew she couldn’t talk her way around raising a teenager in that environment even with friends in “high places”. Instead “Bobbie” lives on her own in an efficiency apartment across the way from Monica Bard and down the hall from her mysterious classmate Michael and his mother Adella—which is good for her now that she is pregnant and hiding it from everyone. If Ruby ever found out that Bobbie was hooking herself on the street like common trash—even if to high end doctors like Phil Brewer--she could get a real beat down.

And being beat down is something Adella (late 30s) knows all about. On the run from her 2nd husband and desperately hiding out with her son Michael (16), Adella hoped that she finally found a chance to escape the violence of her past. She could take it when Deke would hit her but once he went after “Sonny”--for nothing more than not being his son—it was time to find a new home and a new life. And with her make-do job as a custodian at General Hospital she might eventually be able to break free, send her boy to college, maybe get herself a nursing degree and get them both off the streets for good.

If only head nurse Lucille March (late 30s) didn’t seem to dislike her so much… Everyone at the hospital, even new hires like Adella, knew to stay out of the way of the crusty, gossipy and strict Lucille. Some people said it was because she was an old maid—single and in her 40s!!!--and jealous of the young girls chasing doctors but the truth was Lucille had always been this way. No man had ever broke her heart—though there were a couple women who might have—but having to raise her own sister single handled was more than enough to break anyone’s spirit. Audrey March had always marched to her own drum—and being pretty and popular didn’t endear her to Lucille anymore than the rest else had. Her thirst for adventure and capacity for drama had led Audrey in every direction—one minute getting a nursing degree and the next off to see the world as documentarian following medical missions of mercy. Audrey wouldn’t have even come back to Port Charles—she had some many places left to see before she turned 30—but an opportunity to document the test trials of ELQ’s latest wonder drug led her home. Of course she still likes to cause trouble and break the rules—quickly becoming the talk of Lucille, Jessie and even Steve!

And Audrey’s drama goes well beyond break room gossip. Down the official halls of General hospital, Lee Baldwin’s (late 30s) job as the go-to-man for many of the hospital crisis’s runs the gamut from legal issues in patient care all the way to the possible legal problems from a “guerilla style” documentary being shot under his watch. But even through all the fast paced stress of hospital life, the widowed father of two still made time for his children back at home. And while 20 something Brooke Baldwin might shy away from being called a child—she was too mature for that and too willing to prove it—his young son Scotty (17) was more then willing to behave and make home life easy. Scotty desperately wanted to finish high school and start college, follow his dad into the law but Brooke was more interested in finding a hot young doctor to bed and make herself into something more than middle class.

And Brooke would get her wish—getting herself a cushy job as a babysitter for the upper middleclass Vining family. Jason Vining (40) was a professor at the local medical school and held many a study session at the family home—giving Brooke access to many a young doctor—and his charming if gruff exterior made him popular with students like Monica and Jeff. His wife Barbara (late 30s) was another story—she didn’t understand why they need a sultry young babysitter like Brooke around the house—their daughters Laura (15) and Amy (13) were both in their teens. And even if Laura could be moody--constantly running around with Scotty Baldwin--while Amy was no ease to raise; she could always cut back her hours nursing since Jason made enough money. But she always found it easier to accommodate Jason’s moods ever since the accident that took away his ability to practice medicine or even father children--she knew how hard it was for him to connect to her much less their two adopted daughters.

AND SO BEGINS THE STORY.

2011-07-05T09:42:00.000-07:00
The Sickness Is In Your Mind

I thought I had spent the last week or so being sick--off and on. I hung out with people who ended up getting sick shortly after seeing me; Edie with bronchitis and Dominic with something that required 3 antibiotics and a steroid. I would say that my fears of a lingering illness were more than well founded.

So I waited.

I hate doctors--or the expense of doctors more than anything. I only went to see one after a text conversation about good places to go without insurance--i was supposed to be seeing babies this weekend and wanted to be healthy before doing that. So off I went to CVS to get a quick check up for a nurse practitioner--prepared for the worst.

Turns out I have sinus allergies. Ones that allowed me to have codeine coffee medicine to sleep at night. That strong I guess

I have never had allergies so this was something knew to me. New drugs, new coping techniques for dealing with things, and the realization that this may be something I have had before and just not known it. Which is weird because I have a huge list of other allergies I am well aware of.

But at least I wasn't sick. Like sick sick or anything. Like gross.

(I fully expect a punch from either Edie or Dominic for this post)

2011-07-05T09:38:00.000-07:00
This Is Not A Wedding Blog

This is what I want as my birthday gift to myself

Of course this is obviously expensive and I don't even know what I would do with it but... Since when has any of that stopped me before????

Thanks to Valeska for making sure I knew to buy this

2011-06-23T10:09:00.000-07:00
Put A Ring On It

Today's jam

So we don't have engagement rings. This has been a subject of debate and curiosity amongst people as they have heard about or seen me and Johnno post engagement. Now I wasn't sure how to handle that idea--only one of us having a ring would seem to put one of as the "girl" but to find something for both us without discussing it seemed risky. I had never really given much thought as to whether I would even want a ring for myself but knew if Johnno wanted one I would follow suit.

This was also the first question my mother asked once she heard the news. That and when she could actually meet him--cause I'm an awful son like that. But she did says that engagements are like children--if you wait for the perfect time you might never have one. Though--as has been pointed out by several friends--my mother's track record with engagements might make her advice on happy ever after a bit--shoddy.

Four times people. Four.

Once it was decided that we should due rings--mostly due to the fact that we would be a long engagement--I started my search on-line for something we would both like. I have no desire to set foot in any jewelry store and the idea of having to do so makes me want to break out in hives. Like Carrie Bradshaw in the ugly wedding dress on "Sex In The City" hives.

Yikes.

But of course there isn't a lot of great options out there. I don't want to end up with something too close to a wedding band since that is for later, or something to crazy expensive become we won't be wearing it forever, and something funky and stylish as we both are. It's hard because there is not a lot of mens ring stores out there and even fewer that carry engagement style rings. And I have fat fingers.

FAT FINGERS PEOPLE!!!!

I discovered this last night as we measured our ring fingers together. Of course Johnno has a dainty sized finger--he could even wear women's rings if he chose--while I have an above average sized digit. What this means is that if he likes a ring it usually doesn't come in my size and vise versa. it sucks because we have found a couple things that we like and they can't be resized and so we have to move on to the next option.

Did I mention I have FAT FINGERS?!

I have known that through the idea of this wedding that I would have body issues and gender issues but i didn't expect to look at lady rings for Johnno or debate how to best lose hand fat.

Put a ring on it indeed.

2011-06-17T10:41:00.000-07:00
Champagne, Strippers and a Pair of Jens—Or How I Got Engaged

It started off simply with another run-of-the-mill trip to Las Vegas. When I say that we’re talking dancing till 5am, drinks throughout the day and at least one over-the-top party thrown by one of my best friends—Kelly. She decided it was time for another high-end birthday party on the Strip and found the club, the view and the guest list to make it happen.

There were about 30 of us—give or take—in the city from all over the country. There were the LA friends, the Boston friends, the New York friends—a combination of classmates, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends and even a coworker or two—at the Mix nightclub at the top of the Mandalay Bay Hotel. There was champagne and vodka, everyone dressed up and dancing, conversations and sharing through the early hours of the night. We were all out to have a good time in honor of a good friend.

Of course eventually the party had to wind down and various people split off into their own smaller groups to continue to try and keep the night going elsewhere. Clubbing, barhopping, gambling, eating were all on the agenda but for some people it was more a time for “Go the F*ck To Sleep” and for others it was more “Where The Wild Things Are” as we all spilled our way back on to the Strip.

You can guess where I ended up in that division.

There was a small group of us including Johnno, Edie, her brother and his fiancée Isabella, Valeska and a handful of others heading back out to the casinos to try and charm our way into another bar or club. After a handful of hits and misses—no $900 cover for us because they should be PAYING us $900 to join their party—we ended up deciding to meet up with a handful of people at the Glitter Gulch strip club downtown.

Yep. Lady strip club time.

In the melee of exiting, somehow I ended up in a taxi with Edward and Isabella while the rest of our group had their own ride a few minutes ahead of us. This is only important in that Edward would start to be the voice of reason from this point on because more than a few of us had had enough to drink to need one. I’d like to say at this point that while “drunk” I was in total control of what was going on with myself. However I did not plan to take care of anyone else that night—I was in it to win in it—that could be Edward’s job.

Eventually the three of us made our way to the strip club and half charmed our way into the place. I say half because I am pretty sure I still owe someone cash for the entry fee but whatever…I’m in the door. Most everyone there is in a good mood between the ladies dancing, the enforced 2 drink minimum and the post party high. Some people got hustled by the ladies, some people got motor-boated and some people knew when to say when it came to the ladies. Yet even strippers have to put on PJs and go to bed at some point and once again we closed another venue in Vegas

But some of us were not ready to stop the party—particularly Edie—so people tried to piece together another game plan. We ruled out nightclubs (they were closed), food (we all looked skinny that night), another strip club (it just gets skanky the further you go) but someone s mentioned the idea of getting married--as in “let’s find an all night chapel and get some of us hitched!!!”

That is how I ended up engaged—to Edie!!!

Yep. It was decided that it was time for me to give up the single life and for Miss Edie to finally “nail me down”. I was ready to go—she is one of my many Sistah Wives—plus I thought it would be a great story if not a great set of pictures to look back on. We both began the process of trying to research the details while the others mostly looked on in amusement. I checked in with Johnno to see what he thought and he was pretty game for the adventure—his only request was that we’d get the Palmdale house in the divorce. I did point out this would not be a consummated marriage but Edie still agreed to the terms of engagement.

This is where Edward saves the day.

Edward pretty much pointed out to me how bad of an idea this marriage probably was. Not only is Edie in a long term “thing” with her boyfriend/lover/fiancée Braden but Braden is a big towering giant of a man. A man who played Jason Voorhees in one of the “Friday the 13th” films. A man who makes crazy stunts for a living and does things like set people on fire. I saw Edward’s point and realized this was not the wisest decision so I did my best to break the engagement with a little bit of class and logic.

Edie wasn’t having it.

At this point everyone else was pretty much ready for bed—if not to sleep then to keep any other bad ideas at bay. (And some people like Valeska had a flight to catch in a hour.). So Edward finally threw his sister kicking and screaming into a cab and Isabella gleefully jumped in behind him—they were off to one part of the Strip with a smile, a wave and a middle finger. (You can guess who gave which one) The others piled into another cab heading towards our hotel but there wasn’t enough room for me and Johnno. We stayed behind to grab our own cab.

However the next cab claimed to not take credit cards and somehow we had both ran out of cash—funny how that happens after a strip club. So after some debate, some bathroom breaks, and water we decided that we would walk back to the Stratosphere. From Freemont Street. All because the cab driver who refused to take credits cards even though his door said he did—we were not going to an ATM for him!

We’re stubborn like that.

Of course Johnno and I forgot two key things; one being that buildings in Vegas are REALLY tall so using them to judge distance is a bad idea and the other being that Vegas is sketchy as HELL in certain areas. But now we wanted the walk on principal and feeling rather butch post strip club—off we went through the scary dirty streets regardless of place or time.

During our walk we rehashed the night’s events; I admitted to Johnno that I was surprised that he would have willingly allowed me to marry Edie that night. It’s not that he had to give permission—he probably would have given me away—but I would have thought there would be at least had a moment’s hesitation. His response to that train of thought was simple—he already knew he had me and I had him so… In response I joked that my ring finger was bare and in response Johnno did the same gesture back to me. He then took my ring hand and squeezed my finger three times as he repeated that he had me.

That was the moment.

I already knew that I loved Johnno. I had had several conversations with people about my plans to try and propose to him in the future. I had a long check list of things to do, people for him to meet, circumstances to be in order before the “big” moment could happen. If I am good at anything it is over planning, over thinking—so much navel gazing that I could give those strippers a run for their money when it comes to contortions—to the point that I lock myself in neutral.

I always wait for the perfect time.

But in that moment—walking down the dirty streets of Vegas, slightly punch drunk from a long night with my friends, only moments after an aborted engagement—I knew what I wanted. The question has never been if I loved Johnno enough to marry him but whether I trusted enough in his love for me. I have always found loving someone to be the easiest thing in the world—it’s letting someone love me that has always been the hard part. Allowing myself to believe that someone could see all the sides of me—the good, the bad and the ugly—and want to put up with me has always been a tricky thing for me to grasp.

And yet…

I realized at that moment how much Johnno did get me. He gets that sometimes I will get drunk and meander my way across town, that I can be stubborn and choose to walk when we could ride, that I love my friends so much that I will force myself to watch naked ladies, that I am crazy enough to get married on a whim just because it’s there… He sees and loves all those parts of me—that’s a huge part of why he does love me at all.

It’s amazing.

So I dropped to one knee in the middle of a dirty Vegas sidewalk, next to an abandoned building, across the way from a vacant lot. I took his hand. I asked the world’s simplest, frightening, meaningful question and he said yes. Just like that—no thought or hesitation.

Yes.

Everything after that is blur of phone calls and texts and kissing and tears and a million other things rolled into one big jumble in my head. The only thing that sticks out is that I am now engaged to Johnno Houston Jones. Like engaged to be married—to spending the rest of my life with him--forever even.

Whoa

And for that I blame two Jens, a handful of strippers, a little bit of champagne and myself.

2011-06-15T08:46:00.000-07:00
Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) by Katy Perry

This is kind of how it all feels

http://www.vevo.com/watch/katy-perry/last-friday-night-tgif/USCA31100045

2011-06-15T08:44:00.000-07:00
Sick

There is a LOT to write about and I plan to hit the ground running. Big surprise but the events of the last few days have left me feeling run down so I am waiting to tell the whole story soon...

I promise

2011-06-03T08:21:00.001-07:00
Being Heather Locklear and Other Unexpected Choices

I'm not sure how this happened.

See, back in the 90s there was a little show called "Melrose Place"--about an apartment complex and the people who lived and worked there. Eventually the show expanded to include their careers--particularly Allison's--and that led to the introduction of her boss.

Amanda Woodward.

Heather Locklear broke on to the scene and made a scene as she competed with Allison during their time working at the same ad agency. There were short skirts and thinly veiled barbs, moments of backstabbing and teamwork. At the end of the day only one could be left standing and it would be the older and more worldly Miss Woodward.

I have become the Heather Locklear at my job.

As i have been preparing to wrap up my current show my only thought has been about long summer days of writing and tanning and working out and hanging out. I was and still am excited about a summer I can be a part of more now that BB is out of the picture.

Until the other day.

Walking through the office I ran into a old co-worker from a past show and he asked me for helping finding some people to fill a position. After a long conversation with Nolan about who he might know and possible positions--he asked why I wasn't being considered. It was a fair question and one I didn't know how to answer. Instead I pulled together my resume, sent an email to the old co-worker which lead to a phone call and a quick meeting with his boss. They seemed to like my resume but there was one or two skills I don't have--but it could still happen.

And then it came time to dance around the issue of end dates and commitments. Part of what has been going on at the current show is the slow winding down of work. i still have plenty to do but not so much that if I landed the new job i would be leaving them high and dry. It's something I always try not to do--for various reasons.

When I couldn't get a start date for the new job--if I landed it--I hedged on talking to my current boss about end dates and changing those because I knew I could mess up. The truth is I could tell him that there is little work for me to finish and that they could finish up without me--besides that i would still be at the same company and able to help out if needed. But since the new job had not given me an offer, I didn't want to talk my current job out of keeping me through to the end.

I want my money and be able to spend it too.

So once I knew a waiting game was under way I was okay. But it didn't hit me until then that I was bothered by the fact that I was leaving with no real certainty that I would be asked back to the production company any time soon. And the other guy who does my job is staying being because he is working on the newest season while I wrap up the last two.

Now here's the thing--I like this other guy Ricky. He's nice and eager and he means well--he's also young, not that detail orientated, and can be a bit much. I have no interest in fighting a 24 year old for his job--even if it is acknowledged that I do the job better in every way. I understood that he had been at the show longer and it made since they would try and keep him.

But in the aftermath of the possible new job--I suddenly felt myself annoyed that I was having to wait on things. I want to make plans and move forward one way or another. And the something else happened to push my buttons a bit more.

Ricky took vacation.

Now in freelance vacation never really happens. You usually at your show for such small windows that it is not possible to take time off--much less a week. Ricky had done this before--taking a week off--and while he was gone I was given all of his work and my work and it made me really resentful because I knew he was being kept while I was wrapping up my job. I didn't sign up for two jobs which already were taking 9 plus hours a day and it just smacked of unprofessional-ism.

And then he took a 2nd vacation.

As I said I was already on pins and needles about the entire new job/old job debate and when it was suddenly decided that I would finish up a sizable project of his that had to be done by a certain date--a date he would not be here for--I almost lost my mind and quit. I realized I was trying to fight a lazy 24 year old for a job I was better at and somehow this was supposed to be okay. It just literally broke my spirit for the better part of the day because while I love my job, my co-workers, my boss--the fact that this was happening AGAIN just really sucked.

I don't want to feel like I am better than a 24 year old at my job. I don't want to compete with him but yet I don't understand why i should have to pick up his slack. It's not like he is sick, or taking a day off, or some other major crisis. He just wants to take a long vacation in the middle of a busy production schedule and i am being left holding the bag.

And I am trying not to be bitter or mean but i just feel disrespected by this turn of events. I never understood the character motivation of Amanda on "Melrose" but for the first time I do. I want to speak up and complain about the situation--I want to point out my commitment and the lack of Ricky's but then it all boils down to me versus a 24 year old.

Not something to be proud of.

2011-06-01T08:43:00.002-07:00
Summer Theme

I owe more than this---but

2011-05-20T00:05:00.001-07:00
This Is Why I watched.

Just a fan video of General Hospital.

So much of it makes me cry. But not sad enough to watch the current hot mess airing.

I miss it.

2011-05-19T23:46:00.000-07:00
Random Body Issues

I feel like I am finally back on track. After having some issues with my back for the past week--I am now able to workout for days back to back and not wake up in extreme pain. If you have never had back issues then consider yourself lucky--I have had to many days for my age where I have had to hobble myself throughout the town and back just to get things done.

Johnno of course worries that I should do more. See a doctor or get pain meds or even a chiropractor for help. But I can never seem to get myself to a place to do that. I always thought I had no real phobias--besides needles and crowds--but I have come to see that maybe I do. I worry that seeing a doctor about my back will lead to a series of expensive tests with no real solutions.

I have no proof of this.

I was trying to figure out why I felt this way. Part of me knew that it had to do with my friend Ty--Kelly's ex boyfriend--who struggled with his own his back. He had multiple surgeries on his back but was still having problems--my worse case scenario. But it wasn't until the other night that I suddenly clued into what might be the base of my issue.

My father.

When I was about 9 or 10 he was in a car accident where he broke his back. He spent months in pain and in bed--unable to do anything at all. It was scary for me and something that obviously stuck with me more than I thought. And while he healed and has been fine for the most part--it still made me worry for myself.

And the worst part is when I have my back issues--I must be flashing on the moment on some level--but the other side of the coin is my body issues. Being unable to work out, to try and lose weight and build a better body makes me upset. And when I get too upset I spiral into bad food and bad drink choices. Next thing you know I am eating a bag of fancy crackers without thought and suddenly everything fits funky.

It makes me sad.

And then it just ties into all my other self esteem issues. Whether or not I am attractive, whether or not guys would like me if available, and how it all pays to my sense of being. It opens up doors that should be nail shut. So then whenever my back is even sore I freak out.

I need to find solution--or coping mechanism.

2011-05-18T09:01:00.000-07:00
Not Such A Gleeful Sound

It's hard to write a novel.

Scratch that.

It's hard to write in general.

Obvious and yet...

It doesn't help that when you stumble across a top ten TV show, randomly late one night, not one that you watch but you know is very popular and you see your plot happening on the screen. Not kind of your plot but thisclose to being your plot--from the gay kid, to the prom queen as cruel joke, to the emotional retaking of one's personal power. if that is not enough to stop your typing dead in it's tracks then what is? It doesn't help matters any more when you HATE the TV show that the storyline was stolen to....

Yeah--I hate Glee.

So now of course I am left in a "what to do?" situation. Both Samuel and Johnno think that the plot can be saved and turned around. There are some noticeable differences in the two stories between the characters, the timetable and how it falls out which means it could feel different. And it is focusing me on different aspects of my characters and how to make my version of prom and the prom fallout work. But still

It's hard to feel original when your plot is suddenly and hugely in front of you on a "watercooler" show.

I guess I should feel special?

2011-05-11T13:41:00.000-07:00
Bored--Not Brokenhearted

I need to do something new with my hair. This means I have to go beyond my usual Supercuts experience and deal with hipsters. But that might be for the best

Either something like this

Or more like this

They might not seem that different but there is a world of styling and maintenance between them. I don't know but i have to have something more than the current!

2011-05-09T12:48:00.000-07:00
.....

I almost had a moment in Starbucks. I made the decision--over the course of the weekend--that I would not be returning to BB unless I was at least offered a serious chance at a promotion. I held out hope that I would get an interviewing or a meeting but instead they turned around and offered the same position as last season.

It was not enough.

I came to realization that what I have been doing wrong was thinking that BB had anything to do with my career. The truth is it has always been a job where they pay well but with nowhere to grow and no upward movement at all. Even my promotion last year and less to do with me than with they fired somebody and I was foolish enough to be the one who said yes. I just thought that after how hard I worked last year, how much blood sweat and tears I put into the process--I would get more back.

Instead I got nothing at all for the effort. Barely even a thank you. BB is not good for my career and that is what I should be working on building--BB has no interest in that either way. I gave them plenty of times to prove otherwise--yet here we are.

And yet it sucks. It is very good money, I have made some amazing friends while there and it is a HUGE part of my LA life... I'm going to miss cigarettes with Walker and Stangle, gossiping with Renita, Scofield, Bennet, the faux flirting with Little, Tommy and Bumble Bee, cracking jokes with TK and Roden, seeing my girls like the Double Ks, Mr. Eugene, Miss Emps and just the big hugs you get that first day back from the most unlikely people.

Oh--the sound of Don booming "Rory George Lapointe" across the compound.

I'm really sad about the decision and a little mopey even if I know it will be the right thing in the long run. I just have to try and remember that for the next few days.

2011-05-06T09:03:00.000-07:00
Jem/Jerrica

I have had a weird past few days. Nothing particular set them off, no drama, no crisis, nothing at all. I just--once again--realized that maybe I am my own biggest flaw or enemy or something...

I'm trying not to be negative.

Johnno had an old co-worker of his from the bookstore over to watch the royal wedding at the Dollhouse. I had come home from work and had plans to nap before meeting up with Joy to go over plans for her party. I figured I would meet the friend, be social and have a drink and then head out the door and on the streets. It seemed simple and it would be nice to meet someone that Johnno knew in LA from outside my social group because there is not a lot of those people.

But for some reason I was incredibly nervous when I woke up and came out into the living room. There was no reason to be--the guy friend hadn't really done anything to set me ill at ease--but I could not get comfortable. Instead I kind of slinked around the house, killing time before I managed to leave for my plans. I did talk and introduce myself but I just couldn't get comfortable.

I'm sure I came off as an asshole.

And as I made my way to Joy's I couldn't help but beat myself up. There is the part of me that knows I can be shy and aloof at points but there is the other me that likes clothes and dancing and being social--somehow I think this is the "Jerrica " side to me (AKA the real persona like in the show Jem!). That the shy and aloof side is the "Jem" personality that only comes out at random times. But nothing could be further than the truth and I don't know why my first reaction is that way.

I talked about this later with Kirby and she said that it is obvious when I am uncomfortable and I am always uncomfortable meeting new people. She pointed out that it is a very obvious facial thing I do and have always done--it doesn't make me friendly. I explained that i usually wait to see if the other person has any interest before engaging people and she said that maybe that was the problem.

I think she might be right.

But i don't know how to put away that self defense tool. It is something i have had for a long time and served me years of good. Unlike the Kirby's, Johnno's, and Edie's of the world I have no idea how to "fake it". Not in a negative sense but in the sense of just being so confident about their own personalities. Maybe that is the problem--I have confused my confidence in my own accomplishments, my own skill set that i never learned to be confident in my own personality. and I don't really know if there is a way to do that.

I would like to be more of a Jem than Jerrica. The irony is that Jem is totally fake. Maybe that is the core problem--i never learned that skill. Not that I'm saying people in my life are fake--they are not--but they always manage some type of interest or energy I can't mustard up until I am invested.

My bad.

2011-05-05T12:14:00.000-07:00
In Case You Wanted to See

Prince

So close to the stage and yet transfixed by the monitor.

This picture makes us look further away than we were. But still--you can see the stage!!!!

I suspect he can hear me screaming his name.

Le sigh

2011-05-02T14:18:00.000-07:00
A Thought On Today

Osama bin Laden is dead. One Buddhist’s response.

by Susan Piver

“In the Shambhala warrior tradition, we say you should only have to kill an enemy once every thousand years.” –Chogyam Trungpa

So, Osama bin Laden is dead. We killed him. There really was no choice. We were clearly in an “us or them” situation and if we didn’t kill him, he was going to continue to do everything in his power to kill us.

As Buddhists, we are supposed to abhor all killing, but what do you do when someone is trying to kill you? Obviously great theologians have pondered this question for millennia and I’m not going to try to pile on with my point of view, which would be totally useless.

Instead, I’ll pose this question: How do you kill your enemy in a way that puts a stop to violence rather than escalates it?

Strangely, I keep coming back to the same rather ordinary conclusion: the answer is in our ability to face our emotions. When we know how to relate to our anger, hatred, despair, and frustration fully and properly, they self-liberate. When we don’t, when we can’t tolerate them and therefore act them out, we create enormous sorrow and confusion.

Look at your own reaction this morning.

Was there even a hint of vengefulness or gladness at Osama bin Laden’s death? If so, that is a real problem. Whatever suffering he may have experienced cannot reverse even one moment of the suffering he caused. If you believe his death is a form of compensation, you are deluded.

There has been an outpouring of misdirected jubilation, as if a contest had been won. Nothing has been won. Unlike winning a sporting event, this doesn’t mean that our team has triumphed. Far from it. There is only one team and it is us.

One of us is gone, one horrific, terrible, vicious one of us…is gone. I don’t feel regret for him or about this. I’m regretful for the rest of us who are now left thinking that this is a cause for celebration. It is not. It is a cause for sorrow at our continued inability to realize that there is no such thing as us and them; that whatever we do to cause harm to one will harm us all.

When we hate, we cause hate. When we think we have won by vanquishing our enemy, we have lost. In killing Osama bin Laden, “they” lose because one of their leaders is gone. But we lose too, because we have deepened the causes and conditions that lead to more hatred and its consequences. This is not over.

Then, what to do? I don’t really know, but for me, rather than cheering on this day, I’m going to rededicate myself to the idea of brotherhood towards all, even those that want me dead—and not because I’m some kind of really good person. I’m not. Because I know it’s the only way to stay alive—in the only kind of world I want to inhabit.

Perhaps the way to kill your enemy as a way of putting a stop to violence rather than escalating is to shift our view of “enemy” altogether. Our enemy is not one person or country or belief system. It is our unwillingness to feel the sorrow of others—who are none other than us.

So take aim at this enemy completely and precisely. Feel your sadness for us and them so fully and completely that all boundaries are dissolved and we are left standing face to face, human to human, each feeling the other’s rage and despair as our own, one world to care for.

If you’d like to try to generate such a switch, please try loving kindness meditation. [listen] Here is audio instruction in the practice.

“…when you do not produce another force of hatred, the opposing force collapses.”– Chogyam Trungpa

2011-04-28T08:50:00.000-07:00
Life List

So I am going to see Prince tonight. It is actually hard for me to stay grounded at work because all I can think about is how excited I am for this show. It's a very rare thing for me to get super caught up in things like this--even JT and Gaga had me less on edge--but Prince is one of those people I have spent my own life wanting to see.

He's on the list.

I don't mean the list of performers I want to see--though there is one--but on my life list of things I would like to do. He is somewhere between having cocktails with Amstead Maupin, visiting the Great Pyramids of Giza, publishing my first book and buying my first piece of real art. I guess it would be the bucket list but I have had this in my mind since 15 which is so before that phrase took trend.

So when my friend Charity told me all about her trip to Egypt this past summer and how much fun she had exploring all the old places in Cairo--I was extremely jealous. Like to the point that I didn't want to hear about it at all. She laughed at me when I said that and stated the following--

"You know you can do that, right?"

And it is true. So many things on my list seem like they are difficult if not impossible but the truth is I can do them. If I choose to focus on them. it's not that hard to save up money for a trip, or find a reading where Maupin might be or scan through Esty to find the exact piece of work that speaks to me. I could self publish my own book, I could try and see every one of my band, I could do all of this myself

It is just a matter of focus and effort and time. Instead of getting so caught up in the details of the everyday--I need to plan my attack for what I want.I can do that.

But first I have to see Prince. Priorities people!

2011-04-27T08:27:00.000-07:00
Swing For The Fences

I have bee trying to get back into the swing of things. Between working on the entire "quitting that bad habit i have had for half my life", figuring out the best way to work out with my back acting up and just the general art of balancing naps, work, dating and life together--I haven't gotten much done.

well--I have read a lot of books.

But for the first time in a while I kind of feel at balance with everything. I'm not getting crazy moody about the smoking, not cheating on the no cheese aspect of the diet, managed to work out without throwing out my back and am still trying to work out the writing here and there thing. It is a bit hard.

all that said--I finally feel a bit back in the game and like I am getting stuff accomplished. It's time to make my list a bit bigger--get back in the social whirl, get my words flowing and even spend a little more time being awesome boyfriend. I figure I can handle all of that.

Yay.

2011-04-26T09:04:00.000-07:00
Ain't That A Drag

Okay. I always say I don't watch reality TV but I am totally into "RuPaul's Drag Race". There is something I really enjoy about RuPaul in general and the show is a fun mix of badly behaving queens, trainwreck fashion and more random gay one liners than you can shake a stick at.

But I always hate the winner.

When it comes to the idea of a superstar--I just expect something more. More than looks or high fashion but a certain spark or magic in their performance. And it didn't happen with last season's winner and once again the mark fell short.

I just wish Raja had some kind of chemistry... She always seemed so lost and awkward during any kind of performance outside of a runway walk... Just uncomfortable, unable to portray serious emotions or even do sight lines in any of the video projects. I mean--her style is amazing at points and she could definitely pass for a glamorzon but--

It's kind of like the idea of hanging out with Cindy Crawford and Julia Roberts back in the day... I would imagine Miss Crawford to be a stunner but you would probably have your eyes drawn to the natural warmth and energy of Miss Roberts. I just never felt Miss Raja warm up and she was so obviously favored by the judges that she didn't have to.

And can Miss Michelle be gone next season? I just disliked everything about her--from her loud laughing cheer when Mimi was eliminated to her snide comments about almost all contestants such as "at least she can talk" referring to the difference between Alexis and Manila... Plus she brought back Carmen "I have nothing in my brain so I can't ever be interesting" Carrerra....

SIGH

I think after this I will just be turning in for Drag U from now on... All the funny queens with personality show up there like Pandora, Juju, Raven and such... That's why I watch--to be entertained.

2011-04-21T08:17:00.000-07:00
Love What You Love

For some reason this video has changed my opinion on a few things; mostly Kei$ha, James Van Der Beek, unicorns, guns, rainbows and the costume choices of her label. Please enjoy the following video as proof.

Please people--it can't be all strum and drag on this blog. Happy day!

2011-04-20T08:20:00.000-07:00
Sarah Jane Sadness

Growing up I was a huge Doctor Who fan. I spent many a Saturday afternoon caught up in the various worlds, companions, time lines and Doctors of the BBC. But there was no companion I loved more than Miss Sarah Jane Smith.

Spunky, sweet, brave, ballsy--Sarah Jane was the atypical 70s heroine in that she took care of herself and managed to get things done. She wasn't always practical or the smartest person in the room but she always tried her best and brought out the best in other around her.

Exactly the type of person I would want to be if a space traveler.

And now the actress who played her has passed on. Elisabeth Sladen died at the young age of 63 and in the second coming of her career as the star of her own Dr Who spin off--the Adventures of Sarah Jane Smith. While the fate of that show rests in limbo for the moment--I just wanted to send off the character in the right way.